For the sake of staying a little bit anonymous, we will call my significant other Homer. Homer is something else. He is sweet as candy, country as a mouse, and I love him dearly. But he is just a little bit, shall we say strange about his way of getting things done, and when he decides to do them.
Tonight it is storming. I mean they are having tornado warnings and the color weather radar is nothing but a big red splotch on the screen. It is not a good night to be outside. Or on top of the roof.
We have a small problem with a leaky seam over the front door of the mobile home. It has been this way now for at least 2 months, and every time it rains, he says I am going to get up there tomorrow and silicone the cracks in the seams. I always say okay, even though I am yet to understand how his calendar works, tomorrow is usually a never coming day in the future. I mean if it is not raining, it does not need fixing and when it is raining, you don't want to get wet right? Sure, right...... logic Homer style.
Any way tonight as the weather reports on TV are predicting it was getting closer to us, the more he comments that he ought to silicone those cracks before it gets here. I just smile and keep typing. I do that a lot , smile and type. It is the best answer to the situation every time. Well anyway, the lightning is starting, and he drags out the ladder and gets his caulk gun, silicone,8 ft. long piece of pvc pipe( homemade gutter cleaning tool) and the flash light. I continue to smile and type. I ain't going out there. I mean somebody has got to be available to call 911! don't cha know. lol
I hear him up there clomping around, (if the seams weren't leaking before, they are now), then over the clomping sound I hear the roar of a unmuffled motor. My cousin, who is building a '64 chevy pickup, with Homers expert advice of course, roars into the yard and the truck immediately dies, and when you hit the key it just goes click. He and his new wife are in need of a jump. So clomp, clomp he climbs down off the ladder, which is about 8 inches too short for him to step down onto. So he almost falls, but catches himself and does double time to get the jumper cables and his truck. I come outside to tell them how crazy they are to be driving around in the dark on a stormy night in a builder of a truck. Remember I am the God mother of the family, being the senior member, so I have to be the voice of reason. lol I am about as equipped to do that as I am to be the CEO of Trump Enterprises. But, as it is my responsibility to stomp on everyones enthusiasm, so be it, I gave it a try. They told me to shut up and go back to smiling and typing. I did.
I heard him fire up a few minutes later and then haul it out of the driveway. I will have ruts to fill in tomorrow, sigh. Then I hear the clomp, clomp again. I keep on typing and smiling.
About 5 minutes later, the sound of another vehicle that sounds like it is unmuffled, but is, can be heard spluttering and coming in for a landing. It is my stepson, and he is fast running out of gas. But , the stereo is turned up to a notch just below the space shuttle lauching, and the bass is making my pc screen tremble and roll. He is a thumper, Lord help us he is a thumper. So I hear," Dad, I need to borrow some gas money". I get up and start for my purse, I hear the expected words, " Hey, come and give Homer Jr. some money for gas." I smile, raid my wallet, go out, hand over my hard to get cash, smile, turn walk in the house to type once again. Smile just smile. Then I hear clomp, clomp, clomp. Varoom, splutter, put, put, and then he is off to the races, or the gas station......sigh, I smile.
Then the room is lit up like a yard light, the thunder clap rattles the windows, and immediately a downpour that would drown a frog starts. I look up from the computer screen, and hear tap, tap, tap, on the sliding glass doors. I smile and open the door. He is on the roof, and hits me in the face with his pvc pipe gutter cleaner. He was using it to tap on the door. I forgive him. Slowly.
He says, " Hey come and hold the ladder for me, I am going to get killed up here. I don't think I should finish this now. I'll finish it tomorrow." I smile and put on my shoes.
I go out and he is flinging leaves from the guttering with speed like a guy who is driving the get away car! As is becoming the theme for the evening, added to the throbbing swelling nose I have from the hit with the tap tap pipe, now I have a face full of wet leaves. You know I really do care for this guy don't ya? I smile.
I go over to the ladder and he clomps down to it. He says, "Can you catch the flash light?" Of couse before I can say anything the throws it down to me. I drop it, but it didn't hit me, thank goodness. I grit my teeth, but I smile.
I am holding the ladder to keep it from falling when he sort of hops onto the top of it, remember it is too short by a good 8 inches. He just keeps dangling there and I say," I am holding the ladder come on down, I won't let it tump over." It is really raining now, and lightning like God is trying to short circuit the whole world. Thunder is crashing around us and it is very dark, lots of wind. Not a real homey kind of night.
He keeps mumbling something, which I can't understand, and well my patience has run its long course on this one. I say in a kind of loud voice," Damnit Homer, get on the ladder, I am not going to stand here all night!" To which he mumbles another reply, I could not understand. Still dangling 8 inches above the top of the ladder. I repeat my instructions to which he says, and I got to tell you this is the other reason I love this guy so much, and laugh most of my days. He says to me in a very loud voice so the neighbors on the other side of the next road hears him, " I said I am hung woman, and I don't mean I am hung like a horse either, I am hung on the fireplace vent and I can't work on getting loose from that and answer you at the same time!"
It was all I could do to hold the ladder till, he finally got loose from the roof. I then lost all control, and laughed until I had to go and lay down my sides hurt so much. He was so serious, with the remark comparing his attributes to that of a horse, and he looked so ridiculous hanging there in the middle of the thunderstorm, with his hat on backwards, caulking gun stuck in his waistband in the front, legs of his jeans tucked into his boots, and the 8 ft. long piece of pvc piple sticking up out of the back waistband of his jeans. I compare it to a human lightning rod, although it has no danger of it damaging any brain cells if it does catch a bolt. lol
He has not given up on the idea of gassing the gophers,that I told you about in the previous blog. He has enlisted the help of several of his male friends, as well as my overly enthusiastic son. My son has a thing about blowing things up and is quite carried away with the possiblities of this adventure. I am leaving the house for the day. I think my insurance will cover the warfare damage, and well if it doesn't, hey Homer will fix it tomorrow.
lockerridge
lockerridge
lockerridge
I love Homer's X-Ray! Poor Homer.
This is such a great and funny story! I have never laughed so much and so hard!! Beautifully written. I hope there are no leaks.
Stay safe, my friend. Hope everything turns out ok and the storm does not get to you.
Thursday September 21, 2006 - 09:55pm (PDT)
Oh my goodness! This reads like an episode of "Marry with Children" Lol. I remember an episode when Al was trying to figure what a light switch is wired to... so he gets all his friends to come over and help. I just hope your gopher escapade will fare much better :)
Friday September 22, 2006 - 12:45am (PDT)
You know igloo, you nailed my life down tight with that comparison, except I am not quite as lazy as Peggy is. But Al is right on in the dept. of being like minded with Homer. I got to say once again, this is really what goes on in my world. It tis the season to be merry all year long! lol
Friday September 22, 2006 - 01:05pm (CDT)
a nice sotry from real life, hopes he will fix it 2mrw, hey ask him to a ladder that is well reachable and avoing hanging, is the rain over and the thunder is over, hopes everything is safe at your part, i am back with some positive news yet to be confirmed
Saturday September 23, 2006 - 01:14pm (GST)
Locke! Locke! Every time I read one of your "block" busters it just gets better and better, lol! You really going to have to gather these up and put them in a book one of these days! I've used up half a box of kleenex to dry the tears of laughter from my eyes and my stomach hurts from laughing so much! My daughter (who is spending the night) just wandered into the room and said, "Mom, don't you ever sleep anymore?" I just smiled and kept on typing!
Sleep? Who can sleep when Locke's on a roll with a new episode about Homer?!! Thank you dear girl! And keep up the good work, lol!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!
Saturday September 23, 2006 - 05:19am (EDT)
hummmm you always said you did not want to live alone lololololololol go Homer go its the American way !
Saturday September 23, 2006 - 05:31pm (CST)
What can I say besides "Doh"
Saturday September 23, 2006 - 07:34am (CDT)
I love reading your blog it always puts a smile on my face.
someone once told me "that tomorrow never comes we are always in today" :)
Saturday September 23, 2006 - 09:24am (CDT)
OK, now I could see the lighning from my house people, and she ain't kiddin'! That was one hell of a storm!
I stepped out to smoke around 10 pm last night it looked like a Grateful Dead light show goin' on in the east!
I hope Homer doesn't destroy the ol' homestead, cuz I am not in the position of helpin' you with a new home at the minute.
Oh, don't let him put that foam roof crap all over the roof, it will rot your house from the inside out. Kool-Coat or some other similar roofing mastic is what you need, about 10 gals, if it's a 80 footer.
Saturday September 23, 2006 - 08:34am (PDT)
Just all I can type is Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ha! ha! Haaaaaaaaaaaa!
Saturday September 23, 2006 - 06:00pm (CDT)
I kept falling out of the chair laughing at this story.. This is soooo funny and you have a way with words that add to it for the better.. Looking forward to many more adventures of you and Homer..
LMBO
Saturday September 23, 2006 - 08:26pm (CDT)