JANUARY 27, 2009 LOCKIE ICE LAND UPDATE.. YEEHAAWW!.. I STILL HAVE POWER! NO POPSICLES LEFT THOUGH...

JANUARY 27, 2009

LOCKIE "ICE" LAND UPDATE..

YEEHAAWW!..

 I STILL HAVE POWER!

NO POPSICLES LEFT THOUGH...

Well by some kind of miracle I have still have electricity! It is awful outside.. It has been freezing rain that only accumulates on the trees and power lines, the temperature is a constant 33 degrees. The roads are still clear though.. too strange even for me!
 The governor has issued a state of emergency for my area. We are looking at snow and sleet later on tonight.. quite frankly if it doesn't stop this raining soon..and stop accumulating, everything is going to simply pop into little pieces! Snow and sleet would be a good thing, believe it or not.. it doesn't stick to trees and power lines... sigh.. I went out and took a few pictures of what I have here and up further north about 40 miles.. they have twice this much ice on the trees and power lines..
The last reported amount of people without power right now stands at approx. 30,000 in my state.. I don't know what is going on in Oklahoma... but in Arkansas.. it is almost too weird to describe .
 The pine and cedar trees are just like big balls of fuzzy looking ice, that are bowing down to the ground. The hard wood trees.. like oak, sweet gum, maple.. etc... look like they have been dipped in a really thick clear sealer. They are shiny and somehow magnified.. but the ground is like a flood plain.. so much water has fallen over night and during the day, the evil demon gophers, instead of dry tunnels..leading to their underground military installations, now have water flooding them and making little fountains!  Homer has been giggling all day long! lol  Over 100 local schools are shut down.. all colleges are shut down.. Most of the manufacturers in the area have canceled 2nd and 3rd shifts and told tomorrows 1st shift to call before they head out to work in the morning..  They have just issued a down tree warning for people driving right now.. they showed some poor guy in a pickup that got whapped with a big limb.. kind of caved in the cab of his truck pretty good.. but he is okay.. I do not know what is keeping these electric lines from snapping.. I better hush and post this before I do go black.. Latest breaking news from your very own" Lockie Land Staying In The House Cause She Ain't No Fool..Reporter!" It's Icky Out There Y'all!
ICE STORM WARNING..  SEVERE WEATHER WARNING..  ICE STORM WARNING..  SEVERE WEATHER WARNING..
/O.CON.KTSA.IS.W.0002.000000T0000Z-090128T1200Z/BENTON-CARROLL-WASHINGTON AR-MADISON-CRAWFORD-FRANKLIN-SEBASTIAN-PUSHMATAHA-CHOCTAW-ADAIR-MCINTOSH-SEQUOYAH-PITTSBURG-HASKELL-LATIMER-LE FLORE-INCLUDING THE CITIES OF...ROGERS...BENTONVILLE...BERRYVILLE...EUREKA SPRINGS...FAYETTEVILLE...SPRINGDALE...HUNTSVILLE...VAN BUREN...OZARK...CHARLESTON...FORT SMITH...ANTLERS...CLAYTON...HUGO...STILWELL...EUFAULA...SALLISAW...MCALESTER...STIGLER...WILBURTON...POTEAU1249 PM CST TUE JAN 27 2009...ICE STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 AM CST WEDNESDAY...AN ICE STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 AM CST WEDNESDAYFOR THE FOLLOWING COUNTIES...IN ARKANSAS...BENTON...CARROLL...WASHINGTON...MADISON...CRAWFORD...FRANKLIN...SEBASTIAN.IN OKLAHOMA...PUSHMATAHA...CHOCTAW...ADAIR...MCINTOSH...SEQUOYAH...PITTSBURG...HASKELL...LATIMER...LE FLORE.FREEZING RAIN...OCCASIONALLY MIXED WITH SLEET...WILL CONTINUE TODEVELOP AND MOVE ACROSS EAST CENTRAL OKLAHOMA...NORTHWEST AND WESTCENTRAL ARKANSAS TODAY. TOTAL ICE ACCUMULATIONS BETWEEN A HALF ANDONE INCH ARE LIKELY THROUGH TONIGHT...WITH LOCALLY HIGHER AMOUNTS.TEMPERATURES REMAIN BELOW FREEZING NORTH OF WILBURTON...FORTSMITH...MOUNTAIN TOP LINE. SIGNIFICANT ICE ACCUMULATIONS ARE LIKELYNORTH OF THIS LINE THIS AFTERNOON AND EVENING. ALTHOUGHTEMPERATURES REMAIN ABOVE FREEZING ACROSS FAR SOUTHEAST OKLAHOMAAND WEST CENTRAL ARKANSAS...TEMPERATURES ARE EXPECTED TO FALLBELOW FREEZING THIS AFTERNOON WITH SOME ICE ACCUMULATIONS LIKELYINTO THE EVENING HOURS.THE FREEZING RAIN WILL BECOME INCREASINGLY MIXED WITH SLEET ACROSS EAST CENTRAL OKLAHOMA AND NORTHWEST ARKANSAS THIS AFTERNOONINTO THE EVENING HOURS. PRECIPITATION WILL BEGIN TO TAPER FROMNORTHWEST LATER TONIGHT...BEFORE ENDING ACROSS THE AREA BYWEDNESDAY MORNING.SCATTERED POWER OUTAGES HAVE ALREADY BEEN REPORTED ACROSS THEAREA. ADDITIONAL ICE ACCUMULATION ON TREES AND UTILITY LINES ISEXPECTED...WHICH WILL RESULT IN MORE WIDESPREAD OUTAGES. IN THEHARDEST HIT AREAS...THE OUTAGES COULD LAST SEVERAL DAYS ANDPOSSIBLY AS LONG AS A FEW WEEKS.




lockerridge

JANUARY 26, 2009 LOCKIE LAND HAS TURNED INTO ICE LAND.. SIGH... WANNA POPSICLE?

JANUARY 26, 2009
 LOCKIE LAND
HAS TURNED INTO ICE LAND
 SIGH...
 WANNA POPSICLE?

Well... I guess it is going to become true this time.. sigh.. I am getting freezing rain and it is going to continue all night long.. I figure by in the morning .. I will have no electricity.... sigh... sigh... sigh.... I have been through three of these things since, I think it was 1996... and I am more prepared for it .. but I still hate this shit! One lady has already been killed in a traffic accident in Arkansas, by sliding on black ice. In the town I live about 20 miles from.. there have been over 100 traffic fender bender type accidents today. You can be the best driver in the world and somebody else wham into you.. it just sucks pig puddle water that is green and has large stinky chunks of pig poo in it! We went to town early today and stocked up on stuff.. like oil for the oil lamps and kerosene for the lanterns.. we hauled enough wood to last a week probably for the fire place.. and got the generator going.. Right now I am wondering what this has got to do with global warming.. cause I am not very warm!
I have had some mighty unusual weather last year and this year is not starting off to a very good beginning.. sigh..
 Wanna Popsicle?
  lol.. So if I disappear.. know that the power is off and boyfriend will not give up his television for me to run my puter.. he is like that ya know.. stingy sucker!
HE gets no popsicle!
WEATHER WARNING..   ICE STORM WARNING..   WEATHER WARNING..   ICE STORM WARNING.. WEATHER WARNING.. ICE STORM WARNING.. /O.CON.KTSA.IS.W.0002.000000T0000Z-090128T1200Z/CRAWFORD-FRANKLIN-SEBASTIAN-PUSHMATAHA-MCINTOSH-SEQUOYAH-PITTSBURG-HASKELL-LATIMER-LE FLORE-INCLUDING THE CITIES OF...VAN BUREN...OZARK...CHARLESTON...FORT SMITH...ANTLERS...CLAYTON...EUFAULA...SALLISAW...MCALESTER...STIGLER...WILBURTON...POTEAU403 PM CST MON JAN 26 2009...ICE STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 AM CST WEDNESDAY...AN ICE STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 AM CST WEDNESDAY FOR THE FOLLOWING COUNTIES...IN ARKANSAS...CRAWFORD...FRANKLIN...SEBASTIAN.IN OKLAHOMA...PUSHMATAHA...MCINTOSH...SEQUOYAH...PITTSBURG...HASKELL...LATIMER...LE FLORE.RAIN AND FREEZING RAIN HAVE DEVELOPED THIS AFTERNOON ACROSS SOUTHEAST OKLAHOMA INTO WEST CENTRAL ARKANSAS. THE INTENSITY AND COVERAGE OF PRECIPITATION WILL EXPAND THIS AFTERNOON INTO THIS EVENING. TEMPERATURES IN PORTIONS OF LE FLORE AND PUSHMATAHA COUNTIES WILL REMAIN ABOVE FREEZING FOR PART OF THE EVENING...HOWEVER THE TRANSITION TOWARD ALL FREEZING WILL OCCUR OVER NIGHT. SEVERAL ROUNDS OF HEAVIER FREEZING RAIN WILL LIKELY AFFECT THE AREA...BEFORE ENDING LATE TUESDAY NIGHT. CURRENT FORECASTS INDICATE THAT ICE ACCUMULATIONS OF 1/2 TO 1 INCH WILL BE COMMON. A FEW THUNDERSTORMS MAY ALSO DEVELOP AND BRING LOCALIZED AMOUNTS EXCEEDING ONE INCH OF ICE.SIGNIFICANT ICE ACCUMULATION ON TREES AND UTILITY LINES ARE EXPECTED...WITH PROLONGED PERIOD OF INTERRUPTED SERVICE LIKELY.IN SOME CASES...THE LOSS OF ELECTRICITY COULD BE FOR DAYS OR WEEKS DEPENDING ON THE SEVERITY OF THE ICING CONDITIONS.DO NOT GO NEAR DOWNED LINES...ASSUME THEY ARE LIVE AND REPORT ANY DOWNED LINES OR POWER OUTAGES TO YOUR ELECTRIC COMPANY.MAKE SURE YOU HAVE AN ADEQUATE SUPPLY OF FOOD...WATER AND NECESSARY MEDICATION TO LAST THROUGH THE DURATION OF THE ICE STORM. DUE TO THE POSSIBILITY OF POWER OUTAGES...FLASHLIGHTS WITH A GOOD SUPPLY OF BATTERIES IS RECOMMENDED. IF USING A GENERATOR...DO NOT OPERATE IT INDOORS!AN ICE STORM WARNING MEANS SEVERE WINTER WEATHER CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF ICE ACCUMULATIONS WILL MAKE TRAVEL DANGEROUS OR IMPOSSIBLE. TRAVEL IS STRONGLY DISCOURAGED.



lockerridge

JANUARY 26, 2009 SHERIFF JOE... THE MAN WITH THE RIGHT PLAN!

JANUARY 26, 2009
 SHERIFF JOE...
THE MAN WITH THE RIGHT PLAN!





STOLE THIS ONE FROM MY FRIEND NORMIE!

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO HE IS THE MARICOPA, ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF  HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER
reelected last year with 83% of the vote.

HERE ARE FEW OF THE REASONS WHY HE KEEPS GETTING THE VOTES IN
MARICOPA,  ARIZONA ! He has replaced all prison supplies with pink as the color of the prisoner jumpsuits, underwear, socks.. and even towels and washcloths are all pink. He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.
He cut out coffee when he found out it had 0 nutritional value. He started chain gangs so the inmates could do work on county and city projects to earn the meal money .
 When the ACLU noticed his activities, fearing discrimination suits, he created female chain gangs also. He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights Cut off all but 'G' movies. He took away cable TV Until he found out there was Federal Court Order that required cable TV for jails, so he hooked up the cable TV again, but only allows into the prison, The Disney Channel And The Weather Channel. When asked why the weather channel He Replied," So They Will Know How Hot It's Gonna Be While They Are Working on the Chain Gangs." When the inmates complained, he told them,
"This Isn't The Ritz/Carlton......
If You Don 't Like It, Don 't Come Back." He created the "Tent City Jail" With Temperatures Being Even Hotter Than Usual In Phoenix (116 Degrees Just Set A New Record), the Associated Press Reports: About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment At The Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their Government-Issued Pink Boxer Shorts. On Wednesday, instead of being on the chain gang, hundreds of men wearing pink boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 Degrees Inside The Week Before. When inmate James Zanzot, who has been living in the tent jail for over a year now, complained that it was "like a furnace" and " it was inhumane treatment" got this answer from the good sheriff, "It's 120 Degrees In Iraq And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too,
 And They Have To Wear Full Battle Gear!
But They Didn't Commit Any Crimes,
So Shut Your Mouth!'
Oh, there's MUCH more to know about Sheriff Joe!
This is his latest accomplishment!
Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the County Supervisors gladly agreed to hand the problem to him. The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them place in dog shows. The best part?
 His budget for the entire department is now under
$3 million.
  One lady who adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years ago says, " He was neutered, current on all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78." The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals. It makes one wonder  when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by hand. The portion of the farm that is dedicated to hogs, provides meat for the prisoners to eat, and fertilizer for the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work.  You can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the Holidays, and plant it later in your yard. Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again.
 He painted all his buses and vehicles with a large eye catching mural, printed beneath is a special hot line phone number.
It is a direct line for citizens to report suspected illegal aliens.
Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so in an effort to aide them in their job, he had 40 deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws.
 Started the hot line, to involve others in the help he was providing them, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border.
He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.
YYYYEEEEEHHHAAAWWW
SHERIFF JOE....
 THIS IS ONE GUY
I MIGHT STILL TRUST
THAT IS IN GOVERNMENT!

lockerridge

JANUARY 25, 2009 DECISIONS.... WHAT TO DO? .. WHAT TO DO?

    
JANUARY 25, 2009
      DECISIONS....
WHAT TO DO? .. WHAT TO DO?

All of our lives ... from the moment our eyes open in the morning.. till they close at night.. we are making decisions. Small everyday decisions.. but decisions never the less. You know what I mean.. Everyday we have to decide what we want to eat... what we want to wear. What time to go to bed and what time to get up. What kind of toothpaste to use,  what kind of deodorant,  or dish washing liquid
Things that businesses zero in on to target advertising campaigns, in an effort to get us to buy products. Effectively giving us yet more to decide upon.    Things that won't really matter much if you make a wrong choice about it.  No real damage done if you try a new deodorant and it does not work.. unless of course your on stage accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, and you have underarm salt rings, or people start to back up when you walk into the room, and pull out a paper mask for their nose, while spritzing the air with Febreze..    
Then you might want to use those clues to realize.. your, "Secret,  Extra Heavy Duty, Strong Enough For a Man But Made For a Woman..".
is not living up to its advertised promises., and make the decision to buy something with a name like... .
"  Gorilla Secret... Made Especially For the Animal Bather at The Zoo, But You Can Use It Too."
  "Conveniently Sold in Bulk, by the  55 Gallon Drum,
 (not responsible for chemical burns to the armpit.)."  But there are times when you are faced with some that simply humble you before God and man, with the knowledge you are not up to the challenge...
Never the less ...
 "YOUR"
the one who has to make the decision, right now! Right or wrong.. it is to be done .. immediately!  There are no clues to use to help you along.. you just have to go with your gut feelings.
Those are the ones which make me  feel like I'm coming down with an intestinal flu, and just ran out of Toilet Paper. You are scared to death to do anything.. cause the wrong move can cause the shit to hit the fan, and no way to clean it up.  Where is Bounty or Brawny when you really really need them?  There have been times when a used Handi Wipe would have been welcomed with open arms.   Those kind that influence other peoples lives are the worst ones... If I were bumbling along in life all by myself..
then it would not be so harrowing to make these big life changing decisions.. cause no one would get hurt but me if they were the wrong ones.  
But that is not the way it is in my bumbling along lifes' course. So right or wrong... I have made those kinds of decisions.
 like what to do when my husband passed away and faced with running a poultry farm alone with a 15 year old son for my main helper.  Like when to shut down that farm.
Like when to walk out the door of my job one day when I could not handle the stress level any longer.
 Like putting my Dad into my car and putting my foot to the floor that day when he could not breathe and begged me not to let him die....
Wait for the ambulance or just haul butt, looking and praying for a cop to stop me on the way..
 Not one cop..
Not one!
 sigh..  I am an only child and so therefore I was never really burdened by any kind of competition for anything while growing up, so having to make a decision about things wasn't really too big an issue for me.   Dad always made the kind of decisions which changed my life and it was never argued that he might be wrong. Mom and I just paddled along assuming everything would be for the better in these decisions. I have often wondered in my adult life how he pulled off the "cool as a cucumber" act when he made one of these decisions, until I asked my Mom after he had passed away.    She told me a truth that has really put me on a better path to making those kinds of decisions    She told me that he knew that no matter what he decided.. he had her to handle all the details of making it work out.   That really made a lot of sense when I remembered how he handled everything.. If he decided to buy a new car, he would find the one he wanted, come home and tell her how much the payments would be, and then SHE cut the corners and tightened up the budget belt to make it happen..   I can't understand people who want to be in the Managers or CEOs positions in a company...
They "WANT" to be the ones who have to make these spur of the moment mega decisions...
They are well paid to be under that gun I guess.. Personally.. I think I just want to have a deal like Mom and Dad did, seemed to work out pretty good for all concerned.

 But for all the women like me out there bumbling along in life... wondering from day to day...
 "What to Do.?. What to Do?.."

 All I can say is..

 " Ain't Life a Bitch?"

 See what I mean.!
That is just one more decision for you to make today
 
  Sorry bout that!

 Terri McCain/lockerridge
    lockerridge        

JANUARY 23, 2009 LETS PLAY DANIS' GAME OVER AT LOCKIES' BLOG.. "WHAT IS IT?"

JANUARY 23, 2009 
 LETS PLAY DANIS' GAME
 OVER AT LOCKIES' BLOG..

 "WHAT IS IT?"

OKAY..  I AM SUFFERING FROM
 MASSIVE
 " NOTHING FREAKING THERE"
WHEN IT COMES TO  BLOG IDEAS,
 SO... IN DESPERATION...
 I AM STEALING IDEAS NOW..

BUT AT LEAST THEY ARE GOOD ONES .. HUH? SO IN KEEPING WITH MY NEW THEME OF THEFT ..


 I STOLE DANIS' BLOG IDEA

 NOW YOU CAN RACK YOUR BRAINS
 OVER HERE!

 HIYA DANI... LOVE YA!

HEY, IT IS THE ROTTEN, COLD, GOT A BURN BAN ON, TOO COLD TO GO FISHING...
MONTH OF JANUARY 2009...
 OKAY..

CUT A GIRL SOME SLACK WILL YA?
(Work with me here!)

  I WILL GIVE YOU THREE CLUE.S..

 IT IS NOT A BUNCH OF QTIPS ....

 IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT FELL OFF

WILE WHEN HE WAS SCRATCHING..

AND  OJ CAN'T

"FLING"
IT AT ANYONE...

Update... THE WINNER IS.. VINNIE! YEAHHHHHH!
MAMMATUS CLOUDS.



lockerridge

JANUARY 20, 2009 CAPTION IT!

JANUARY 20, 2009   CAPTION IT!

HI EVERYBODY!

 I AM IN A BLOG SLUMP...

SIGH..

 BUT I KEEP FINDING THESE
"PACKED WITH FUN POSSIBILITIES"
 PHOTOS! IN AN EFFORT  TO BEAT THE

 "I PAID 400 DOLLARS
 FOR 175 GALLONS
 OF BUTANE TODAY
 AND I AM STILL FREAKING COLD"

 BLUES

WHY DON'T WE PLAY WITH THEM FOR A BIT....
LAST ONE TO COMMENT IS... 

 UHHHHH...

SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY STINKY!

lockerridge

JANUARY 13, 2009 UNITED FRIENDS CHALLENGE NUMBER ONE HUNDRED NINE ODE TO MY LITTLE TOE

JANUARY 13, 2009 UNITED FRIENDS CHALLENGE NUMBER ONE HUNDRED NINE

ODE TO MY LITTLE TOE Rosiebeck's Challenge Tell us what part of your body that you like and why. Write which way you want - funny, tragic, gloatingly or just Thankful...:)

ODE TO MY LITTLE TOE
My littlest toe, has always been so cute. It is always pink and perky Too perfect to cover with a boot
But lately the piggy on the right foot
Has forgotten its way
It wants to go on vacation to town
Taking a different route
Making me yell
OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!
All the way there and home
The one on the left is still my friend I polish its nail again and again It is quiet, it does not groan So nice and helpful Never a moan
But the one on the right foot Won't allow me to cover it with a boot It has decided to travel a different route It is kind of twisty now.. not a bit cute
I still love my littlest toe..
 please understand But now that it is jealous of the piggy next to it Wanting to cross over it and discover new land I no longer think it is all that grand It has even changed its name
I am full of woe It is now called "hammer toe"
Oh what happened to the name "Billie"
Or even "Billie Joe Toe"
 Its nail looks just awful With polish all aglow
Showing itself to be wandering
Too and Fro
.Maybe if I were to get it a nail file too It would stop trying to run away Maybe it would not be so blue And maybe Just maybe...
It will mend its meandering ways
And spend its time with the file
Making me really smile...
Instead of hammering
the nerves in my entire foot And I would stop cussing it Cause helping it find its true course again

 Is gona cost a lot of loot!

Terri McCain/lockerridge

 For more challenges and stories click here UNITED FRIENDS WRITERS GROUP

lockerridge

JANUARY 12, 2009 A VIDEO JUST FOR THE DINGO IN ALL OF US

JANUARY 12, 2009 A VIDEO JUST FOR THE DINGO IN ALL OF US This video is for our DingoBlueFoot.
Whom is loved by all...
  funnier than freddie kruger...
and a fantastic friend to have!
 For you my friend.. Dingo
I give you now..
( I could not get it to take a code to stop auto play sorry!)

  I HATE NATURE..

Funny Videos


LONG LIVE THE DINGO!
lockerridge

JANUARY 11, 2009 THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF SEX IN 2009

       
JANUARY 11, 2009 THE DIFFERENT
 TYPES OF SEX
 IN 2009 I have stolen this from my friend Samantha's blog. I enjoyed it and wanted to share it with you all.. Thanks Samantha.. you post some of the best jokes I have ever heard!

  Pension Sex                   Two men were talking.  "So, how's your sex life?"         "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex."         "Pension sex?"         "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX   A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.' 'My dear,' the  shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife During a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
     CONFOUNDED SEX   A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body . His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't   cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be...   $3,500 for 'small,$6,500 for 'medium,  and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
 but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. The man sighing loudly responded.... 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
 on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary
 The husband yelled,
'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." 'Yeah,' she  replies, 'when you die,
 I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."
  WOMAN'S HUMOROUS SEX     My husband came home with a tube
 of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right.    When he went out of the bedroom... I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX One night,
an 87 year-old woman
came home from Bingo earlier than expected She found Her 92 year-old husband
in bed with another woman. She became violent
and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment,
 killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly,   'Yes, your honor.
 I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...  He could also fly."
LONG DISTANCE SEX Two men were standing at the lunch counter and one said.. "My wife and I are only having long distance sex now days." The other fellow said,
 "What in the world is long distance sex?
 How can that possibly work out?" The first guy says.." Oh, you know .. she stands at one end of the hall yelling
" Screw You"
and I stand at the other end of the hall
 and yell,
" Screw You Too".


        

lockerridge

JANUARY 8, 2009 UNITED FRIENDS WRITING GROUP CHALLENGE NUMBER ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT FOR EVERY NEW BEGINNING... ANOTHER BEGINNING ENDS

JANUARY 8, 2009

UNITED FRIENDS
 WRITING GROUP
 CHALLENGE NUMBER
 ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT

FOR EVERY NEW BEGINNING...
 ANOTHER BEGINNING ENDS

Lockerridge's Challenge
Write a story about a young girl or boy going on their first date.
Keep it light and sweet if at all possible

FOR EVERY NEW BEGINNING... ANOTHER BEGINNING ENDS...

 Rachel sat on the edge of her bed, hugging her stuffed Pink Panther she had received the year before last, on her 14th birthday. She had a small smile on her lips… the kind young girls get when they are on the verge of a new adventure. The kind of smile that can either turn into a full blown hormone induced hysteria... or the kind of smile that can turn into a giggle that never ends. Such is the personality of the typical 16 year old young woman on the afternoon of her very first date...
With a boy!
 In a car!
 By themselves!
She grabbed the telephone from its cradle and hit the number 1 on its speed dial and got a busy signal... she sighed loudly and placed the receiver back into its place thinking... “Sissy you are always on the phone!” (Usually with her… but that part of equation didn't click right then)  He had actually called her... Right there on that phone! She was never washing that phone again!  Brian had called her and asked her to go out to eat a hamburger at the local Sonic Drive In and see a movie  this very evening... and her Dad had said…
 YES!  Then a thought raced across her mind… making a complete and total attack of panic set in...  WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?  Rachel flew across the room to her closet and jerked open the door. Inside were literally dozens of shirts, jeans, slacks, dresses, and more shoes than 3 girls her age could ever wear. But at the moment it seemed to Rachel that there was absolutely nothing in there that she could possibly wear on an actual factual DATE!
What in the world could she possibly come up that would wow Brian and yet her father would let her out of the house wearing?  Back to the phone…
 No. 1 on the speed dial…
beep beep beep beep…
 sigh…
Then her brain kicked back into gear....
She hung up and immediately dialed... 0…
" Hello operator this number is busy and I have an emergency phone call to this number, that has to go through... please... oh please… break into the line and let me get through!"  Within seconds her best friends voice was heard telling the operator she would take the emergency call … and then the words flew out of Rachel’s mouth and the squeals of  pure joy vibrated over the line to the beat of young womens' hearts… spreading the joyous good news of a first date.
She needed Sissies help right away on the issue of what to wear and of course the only way this could be handled correctly, was with hands on help.
 Sissies brother was given the chore of delivering her to Rachel’s house in the family station wagon.
 This was accomplished by taking all back streets, with her brother wearing his father’s hat and coat, and Sissy placed into the back floor board with the threat of brotherly retribution if she allowed herself to be seen above the seat at any time during the drive.
Brothers are such buttheads at times... but it got the job done so she was not put out with him… much...  Sissy opened the car door and did a kind of jump as her brother slowed down in front of Rachel’s house.
 He didn't completely stop you understand.
Brothers...
 Whomever survived living with them without permanent scaring before they left home, was a miracle walking according to the book,
 " SURVIVAL TIPS FOR THE LITTLE SISTER"
  she had received as a gift at Christmas.
 This book spoke volumes in truth, and gave her much insight in how to get what she wanted out of the jerk
 To her brothers’ total confusion usually, which also delighted the young girl to no end!  She bounded up the porch steps of Rachels’ house and rapped on the front door with a happy knock.
 Rachel’s father yelled from the back of the house to come on in, and  dragging her suitcase full of clothes, shoes, and makeup behind her she bounced into the living room.

 Rachels’ Mom had passed away when she was just a little girl and so the house didn't have much of the "Be Careful In Here", feel and look of her own home, which Sissy preferred hands down. 
That and the big screen television and pizza delivery at least three times a week, were some of the greatest advantages of having Rachel for a best friend  .“She’s upstairs Sissy, having a full blown panic attack.”  Rachels’ Dad yelled out at her.
“Okay, thanks Mr. Biggers!” Sissy yelled back.  Once upstairs the trail of clothes started at the bathroom door and led the way to Rachels’ room. Sissy chuckled to herself as she picked them up on her way to her best friends’ room.
 She opened the door and there stood Rachel...
 Hair up in a towel...
 Too much makeup on her eyes
 Wearing a plaid sweater over a polka dot turtle neck,
 and a  pair of the worst looking purple silk pajama bottoms she had ever seen in her life.
 She grinned at her friend, and began singing ...
 “Here I Am To Save the Day”
in her best Mighty Mouse imitation.
 Rachel collapsed on the bed in giggles and said,
 “If anyone needed saving, it’s me right now!”  Two hours later and enough clothes changes to chap skin, the door bell rang. Standing on the other side of the screen door was the object that had caused all this need for panic and help.
Brian McAvery.
The dream of any young woman in her 16th year. He was blonde, blue eyed, and had a dimple in his left cheek when he smiled, and above all these excellent physical attributes... he was nice too!
 The fact that he had his own pickup truck and a job at the local supermarket as a grocery sacker, went a long way in making him the upper most sought after male, of the upper mostest sought after males, in her grade at school.  Sissy hid behind a plant on the upstairs landing and watched her friend descend the staircase much as Scarlet 'O Hara in "Gone with the Wind" must have done on her first date with Rhett Butler.
 Tears sprang to her eyes and it was all she could do not to sob her love for her friend out loud right there behind the ficus tree.
 It was just so, so, so...
Oh! It was just sooo fantastic!  Brian and Mr. Biggers had shook hands and were discussing when it would be the best time for Rachel to return home. Brian looked as red in the face as a shiny apple, and Rachel had the biggest stars in her eyes anyone had ever seen.
Brian looked at her, and caught his breath… she was so pretty tonight.
Heck, she was pretty all the time, but tonight she looked extra special for sure! He still couldn't believe his good luck, when she had wanted to go with him tonight. Brian and Rachel walked out to the truck and Brian opened her door for her and tucked her inside before going to his side of the truck and climbing in. He started the motor and suddenly they were nothing more than a puff of dust in the evening sunshine.  Sissy came down the staircase with a sniffle and Mr. Biggers wiped a moist eye. Then he and Sissy hugged each other and Mr. Biggers said,” Well I knew the day was coming, when she would stop being a little girl, but it sneaked up on me, and now I just can't believe that you girls are almost grown up ladies.”
Sissy smiled and said,” Would you have wanted it any other way Mr. Biggers?”
He smiled a misty smile, and looked over Sissies’ shoulder, where on the mantle sat the photograph of his late wife, and said,” No, I sure would not have it any other way Sissy... I surely would not.”  They walked into the living room and turned on the big screen TV, and he ordered a pizza delivered.

Neither saw the spark of light that bounced from the mantle, nor did they see the wink ,that momentarily appeared on the lovely young womans' image that was held in the frame there.
EVERY NEW BEGINNING
COMES FROM
SOME OTHER BEGINNINGS END.

THE END
  Terri McCain/lockerridge
For more stories and poems click here UNITED FRIENDS WRITERS GROUP

lockerridge

JANUARY 6, 2009 UNITED FRIENDS CHALLENGE ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN TRYING TO MEET THE CHALLENGE

JANUARY 6, 2009

UNITED FRIENDS CHALLENGE ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN....

TRYING TO MEET THE CHALLENGE
 Sunshineatmidnight's Challenge:
  React/Respond to the question/topic -
What is the meaning/purpose of life?

I have thought about this quite a lot in the past ten years or so.
 I have watched so many of the people closest to me work so hard.. till they had no thought or time for anything but their goal .. no matter what that goal might be.. from simply managing to bring home a paycheck each week.. to trying to build a company from the ground up to be one of the greatest in the country.
I have seen them put off going on vacations.. doing anything that was remotely relaxing or fun.. because they were saving up their money for their retirement.
They lived and worked their entire lives for the days when they could take all the gains from their sacrifice of time in the prime of their lives and relax finally and do all those things they dreamed of doing all their lives.
I grew up in a home that was always filled with love and kindness.. taking responsibility for making our own way and helping others along the way, was our main theme.
 All of the years that my parents worked and saved.. never taking anything much for pleasure for themselves..  looking to the years when it was just the two of them.. to enjoy what their hard work had gained for them.. was for nothing when my mother became ill at age 46 with Lupus.
My father developed Emphysema and had to stop working at age 59. They were too sick to do anything they wanted to do then. Their lives revolved around doctors visits and medications.. oxygen bottles.. and ultimately.. everything they had saved and the home they had paid for .. is now mine.
 An uncle who was two weeks away from his retirement party.. he and his wife had their fifth wheel travel trailer already packed .. ready to head out on a year long tour of the USA.

 He dropped dead of a heart attack two weeks before his retirement party..

 All they had waited to do .. all that they had sacrificed to be able to do in their later years.. now belongs to their daughter and son.

 An aunt who was nothing but her work.. long long long hours.. worked from a line worker all the way to the head of a department and took early retirement at age 60 because she developed carpal tunnel syndrome.. she had the surgeries.. but that was not the real problem.

 She had a terrible disease called sclerderma...

 I held her plastic like body when she breathed her last.. one year after retirement.

All that she had worked and saved for .. is now her sons.

My own life is a testimony that no matter what your plan is.. no matter how hard you try.. it can be gone in an instant and what was the meaning to it all? It is all gone now, like a puff of hot wind.
The reason we do this is because this is what gives our lives meaning.
 It is the job God gave us at the beginning of our creation. We are to tend His world and His creatures.
 We are to be good stewards of all that He created.
 We are to be companionship for Him.
 We are to multiply our numbers and teach the young this duty we have been given by the Almighty.
That is our job.
This is the meaning of our lives.
Our greatest mistake is to forget whom this world really belongs to. It is not ours.. It is Gods.
It is mankind's' fault that there is death in the world today. Pain and suffering. Inequality, lack, and seemingly wasted effort.
 It was not so in the beginning. The nature of mankind brought the things which confound us, and cause us to ask, " WHAT IS IT ALL FOR?"
I will sum this up by telling you this little tale from a day spent at the cemetery, smoothing my fathers new grave into something that could be mowed. I was by myself, and feeling so lonely for just a little visit with my Daddy.

I talked to him the entire four hours I was there working. It was something he and I did well. Work and talk, getting work done and enjoying our time together.
I finished up and put all the tools into the back of his old truck.. got in and said, " Well Dad, if you can, would you give me a little hint as to what I should be doing with my life?"

  I said, " I am gona start up Buford ( the name I call dads old truck) and turn on the radio.. and if you can, play me a song ..  maybe you could talk back to me that way."
I turned the key.. the truck started..
I turned on the radio and Tim McGraw sang
" Live Like You Were Dying" to me.
 I thanked Daddy and I thanked God for allowing me to have the hint.. and then I went home and to this day..

 I can't think of one thing I want to do .. that should wait until I am 65 years old to do.

  The meaning of life...
IS TO LIVE THEM

Retirement age is something I have never read about in the Bible. The word retirement is not in there.
When you reach the age when your not able to be the steward of the earth... it is usually time to go to our home with God.
 What ever He has for me to do for Him when I get there.. only God knows that, best just let that question alone, it will drive you out of your mind. Don't make the mistake of putting off living till later..

That is the Real Purpose of Our Lives...

To Live Them.

  

Tim McGraw ... Live Like You Were Dying



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lockerridge

JANUARY 5, 2009 GETTIN' OLD...

JANUARY 5, 2009

GETTIN' OLD...

When, after a long illness a man passed away, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

 No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover, rather than the big shit he always was."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the older lady overboard.

 They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the gentleman back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

 Three weeks went by and finally the older man got a fax from the boat.
 It read:

 "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan!!

 They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

 As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,

 " Stay Away From That Wall!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes..

The lady became very nervous and fretted, worrying her question had offended her friend... .

Then finally her friend said,
"How soon do you need to know?"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and, then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well my goodness, why in the world are you crying?"

Without seeming to notice I was there she blubbered,
"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine, and my favorite dessert, and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, " Now you must really tell me, why in the world would you be crying?"

She sobbed loudly, "I can't remember where I live!"

lockerridge