APRIL 21, 2009 UNITED FRIENDS CHALLENGE NUMBER ONE HUNDRED AND THRITY SEVEN... WHOA! I AM DEFINTELY NOT IN ARKANSAS ANYMORE!

APRIL 21, 2009 UNITED FRIENDS CHALLENGE   NUMBER ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVEN... WHOA!   I AM DEFINITELY
NOT IN ARKANSAS ANYMORE!
 

Skyerider's Challenge This is an exercise in first person POV (point of view). Write the story completely through the character's eyes. You MAY NOT jump to anyone else's point of view. Here's the scenario and the first paragraph to get you started... You wake up in a strange room. In your story have your main character discover WHERE he/she is, WHY he/she's there, and HOW he/she got there. If you write a time travel story or an alternate dimension story, also have him/her discover WHEN he/she is. Remember, it's all written from his/her point of view. "I woke up to the smell of frying bacon. My first realization of the day was that I was starving! Groaning, I rolled over without opening my eyes and felt for my watch on my nightstand to see what time it was. Except there was no nightstand! I sat up quickly. This wasn't my room! What was going on? Where was I?"

This post is the property of Vinnie Parker.. .. . given as gift by Terri McCain
All rights therefore belong to Vinnie Parker.
Vinnie and Flask are copyrighted trademark symbols
and are the sole property of Vinnie Parker.


"I woke up to the smell of frying bacon. My first realization of the day was that I was starving! Groaning, I rolled over without opening my eyes and felt for my watch on my nightstand to see what time it was. Except there was no nightstand! I sat up quickly. This wasn't my room! What was going on?
 Where was I?" "Okay Terri, don't lose what little sanity you have left here." I thought, with only one jump in blood pressure and blurring of vision. My thought pattern cleared somewhat and I decided to shut my eyes again and think of nothing .. nothing at all and then open them up slowly this time. Okay, this is good.. things are not weird now.. they are just black.. wait what are those stripes of flashing light I see..   OMG!
  ITS ALIENS ..
I HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!
 OMG! OMG!...

 O..M... G... !!!!!! Woman get a big hold on yourself now!  Okay, just relax your eyeballs a bit... whew!..  I got to remember, for future reference.  "Do not scrunch up your eyes really tight.. you see bars of flashing light when you do that." "Okay... take it slow now.. crack one eye open just a bit... now the other... now both of them really fast!" My thoughts on my surroundings got a bit more stable when I realized I was lying on a rather large air mattress with a clean sheet on it, and the bacon smell was just lovely! The connection between bacon and maybe gravy, even a biscuit maybe occurred to me.
This place might not be so bad, but it was not where I should be at all. "Let me see.. what was the last thing I remember?"
humm...
Then I heard a sound, sort of like something being dragged along a cement sidewalk... it was getting closer whatever it was! "OMG! OMG! OMG! ..."

Then all got quiet... except the room got rather warm, rather quickly... I opened one eye a slit..
and......
"OMG!  OMG!  OMG!
 ITS A SNAKE.!
 IT IS A FREAKING SNAKE.!
WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE A SNAKE.!
 I HATE SNAKES! " Then this really amused voice, which sounded like a young man said, " Terri, you can open your eyes, I am in not in any kind of mood to roast, toast, or BBQ right now... Vinnie almost has breakfast ready. Are you hungry?"
I opened my eyes and what the heck?
I recognized the being sticking its snout around the door sill ...
 "Flask?" A puff of smoke blew smoke rings from his nose and he chuckled, " One and the same, long time no see friend!" The smoke rings grew larger as he chuckled and I thought for a minute that I was surely just on another one of those flash backs they talk about if you mix cold medicines. .. but I wasn't sick..
Was I? I tried to smile a confident smile at the very large lizard who was probably the reason the surgeon general put those warnings on cigarette packages.. and said,
" Sure I am always hungry, I will be right out!"

I attempted to actually say all that without stuttering, and it worked apparently, because he puffed a couple more smoke rings at me and started to back up.  His head was the only thing, small enough to get into the doorway. I sat up straight in the bed and realized, somehow, someway, for some as of yet unknown reason, I had been placed into one of Vinnie's books.
 So in keeping with the fact that Vinnie is my friend, and I had been the one to give her the dragon egg that turned into Flask.. maybe she would not let him eat me instead of the bacon. So my confidence bolstered a bit, I managed to get out of bed and then I realized, I had on my nightgown. Boy, Vinnie you got some explaining to do woman..
 cause this just ain't right now!
 I stopped on that thought for a second,

 " What if she had no idea how I  had gotten here?"

 " What if I have to stay here?"

" I still have so much work to do on the remodeling of the house, the garden needs hoed out, and Homer will starve to death if I am not there to cook for him!"

I took another couple of minutes to let that kind of soak in to my consciousness.. and then I grinned...
"Maybe I could squeeze in a couple weeks vacation here on Shree or Lanka, or where ever this particular episode was located."
I stopped and thought on that one more than a couple seconds and decided..

 Maybe .. I wouldn't even ask!

With a skip to my step. I traveled down the hall. following my nose to the bacon.
And there was my buddy Vinnie,
just taking those biscuits out of the oven..
 umm umm ummm..
 I think I like being lost in space!
Over eating a fantastic breakfast Vinnie gave me the downlow or the lowdown, depending on which dictionary you favor, on what had happened.
Apparently, Vinnie and Flask had been listening to me over the almost four years now.. saying I was going to get busy on the house and move in to it... and being the intelligent woman and reptile duo, they decided to give me a little break before they took me back to the world of...

YUCK!

 reality....

They contacted Homer, and he knew that I would not get out of my computer chair long enough to actually go visit a friend, so they hatched the plot to whisk me away in the night.
This being possible without me being wiser for it..
.Because 
 Homer had doctored my Coca Cola
 with  Nyquil...
This would have to be discussed at length once I arrived home.. but for the next two weeks, I have my very own hot tub maker at my service and the company of one
of the finest friends I have ever had.

I think I like being a story book character...

The food is simply wonderful!

 Flask can BBQ like nobody else in the world!

The End

 Terri McCain/lockerridge
for
Vinnie Parker
visit Vinnie and Flask online
and look through some of their adventures
at the link below
vinnie and flask
For more poems and stories click the link below UNITED FRIENDS WRITERS GROUP




lockerridge

APRIL 20, 2009 SUPER JACKSON VS THE EVIL LIVING IN HIS HOUSE

APRIL 20, 2009 SUPER JACKSON
VS
THE EVIL LIVING IN HIS HOUSE

For those who did not see the new addition to my household blog.. I have a new puppy who is almost 8 weeks old.

I named him Jackson, do not ask me why, it is just what he preferred.... Homer does not care for it, but if it is his name, what am I supposed to do about that? I have three videos to share.. He has decided that there is an evil toe monster whom lives on the couch, it growls at him, so he must attack it with his little needle like teeth. The toe monster has gotten pretty good at dodging the wrath of Jackson, but every once in a while he scores a hit! The second video is Jackson's private war with one of my old tennis shoes.
He was given a choice of the right or the left foot.
 He chose the left as the most evil and needed conquering first!
 I have a method to this madness.
 If I give him a shoe to kill, it is a good bet he will prefer it to my new tennis shoes.. at least that is the long range plan! The third is Jackson declaring war on the yellow duckie bathroom rug out of my bedroom bath.
 Apparently I had no idea just how evil those duckies are.. but old Jackson has them on the run! I hope you enjoy my puppy as much as I am..
he is the best doggie in the world!
(tip about the videos.. just go ahead and click them all on
and let them download before you try to watch them.. for some reason divshare has been slow as molasses these days!)
THE EVIL TOE MONSTER THE EVIL TENNIS SHOE THE EVIL DUCKIE BATHROOM RUG

lockerridge

APRIL 18, 2009 UNITED FRIENDS CHALLENGE NUMBER ONE HUNDRED THIRTY SIX ... BROTHERS AND SISTERS... ARE THEY KEEPERS

APRIL 18, 2009 UNITED FRIENDS CHALLENGE NUMBER ONE HUNDRED THIRTY SIX BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE THEY KEEPERS   Sumax's Challenge Are you your brother's keeper?  If so, why?  If not, why not? Write a short story or essay on responsibility and any boundaries pertaining thereto .I use the term "brother" in the loosest possible context .Within the parameters, go where the Muse takes you - It's entirely up to you.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS...
 ARE THEY KEEPERS
Sissy sat at the curb waiting for her brother to pick her up from her after school tutoring in math class. It was bad enough that she was having so much trouble with algebra, when her best friend Rachel was top of the class. Rachel had tried to help, really tried to help her, explaining it several times.. sigh.. I am just hopeless, thought Sissy. And where is Trey? Good grief he was 30 minutes late picking her up and she had so much homework to do, plus it was her night to do the supper dishes. Brothers are so selfish she thought.. so stinking selfish.. only thinking of themselves all the time! He is probably over at Brads shooting hoops and flirting with Brads sister.. yuck! Like anyone would think he was cool enough to go out with. Tapping her foot on the pavement she didn't notice the van that had passed her a couple times until it stopped right in front of her. There was a man in it and he used the electric window switch to roll down the window on the passenger side of the van. He looked about her Dads age and he smiled a really nice smile.  He said. " Have you seen a little puppy running around out here any where?" Sissy smiled back and said." No I have been here a while and I have not seen any dogs at all." The man said, " I have lost my little puppy, he is black with a white spot on his head, if you see him would you please give me a call?" Sissy said,"Sure!" The man reached in the glove compartment and pulled out a pad and pencil and wrote something down on the pad. He said, " Here is my number if you see him I sure would appreciate the call if you can." Sissy stood up and went to the window of the van.. reaching her hand inside for the piece of paper he had written on. In one quick motion the man grabbed her wrist in a vice like hold and Sissy yelled." Hey! Your hurting me! LET GO OF ME!!" She started to struggle and pulled as hard as she could against the hold on her wrist. The man by this time had opened the passenger side door and was reaching around and grabbed her by the hair and let go of her wrist and clapped it over her mouth. About that time Trey came speeding around the corner to pick her up, He had been over at Brads shooting hoops and things had gotten really interesting with his sister for once, and he was still daydreaming of things that might happen there when he saw the guy holding Sissy by the hair and trying to shove her in the van. He floored the accelerator and broad sided the van on the drivers side.. the man let go of Sissy and started to run down the street. Trey, jumped out of the car and ran around to the side of the van where Sissy lay on the ground crying and bleeding from scraped knees that she had gotten when the man shoved her down getting away.  Trey reached down and picked her up like he had done when she was a little baby and ran for the house next to the school yard. He kicked on the door frantically and finally an elderly lady opened the door. He said, "May I use you phone please, my sister was almost abducted by a man driving that van over there."  The elderly ladies eyes widened and she said, " You just stay right there on the porch boy, I will call the police, but you just stay right there!" Trey said, "Thank you, may I have a glass of water and a wet wash cloth also please?"The woman smiled and said, " Yes you may, but you still stay right there, I will get them for you after I call the police." By this time some people who had heard the noise when he ran into the van were coming out of their houses, curious as to what was going on. Trey quickly explained what he saw and two of the men took off running in the direction the man had ran to. By the time the police had arrived .. they had caught the man and had him in the wrecked van with a couple of tire irons as deterrents, to any thoughts he had to get away. Trey and Sissy's parents were called and Sissy was taken to the hospital to get checked over to make sure she was okay.Trey sat in the waiting room of the ER and stared at the floor. He paced back and forth, not saying a word. When Sissy and his mother came into the waiting room, and he saw Sissy with bandaged knees and swollen eyes from hysteria and crying, he just could not handle it any longer.  He ran to her and fell to his knees, crying in a most awful heart wrenching way. He cried out to Sissy in an anguished voice, " Please forgive me. Please, I don't deserve it, but Sissy please forgive me! I should have been on time, If only I had been on time to pick you up none of this would have happened!" Sissy reached out her hand and placed it on Treys tousled head, and said, " Trey, will you please get up off your knees, you making an idiot out of yourself. Of course I forgive you, but you won't be late any more will you, or you will call tell me what is going on next time won't you?"  Trey stood on wobbly legs and just numbly nodded his head. Then he reached both arms out and Sissy took him into hers and hugged him fiercely. Trey vowed that never again would he blow off something as important as keeping his sister safe from the world which is mean and evil. She would always be the first priority on his list of things that were more important to him than anything else in the world . Trey and Sissy learned what it means to have a brother or a sister that they could count on if they needed them. Even when pride stood in the way of asking for help... the other always watched and knew when they were needed to push a little bit, to give the help that was needed. The End Terri/Lockerridge For more poems and stories click the link below UNITED FRIENDS WRITERS GROUP



lockerridge

APRIL 17, 2009 DOES YOUR CAMPGROUND HAVE A BC?

 APRIL 17, 2009

DOES YOUR CAMPGROUND HAVE A BC?

 The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.



She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC.
"Does the campground have it's own BC?"





 Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.




After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely, Campground Owner








lockerridge

APRIL 15, 2009 WHATS WHITE... AND FUZZY.. HAS SHARP TEETH... AND LIVES WITH ME?

APRIL 15, 2009 WHATS WHITE... AND FUZZY..  HAS SHARP TEETH... AND LIVES WITH ME? OKAY..   VERY FUNNY!   WHAT  HAS  HAPPENED
TO  MY  FRIEND,
WITH  THE  SHORT,
FEELS  REALLY  SOFT
FUZZY  HAIR?          WELL IT IS WHITE,   AND IT LOOKS TO BE A BIT FUZZY..   LOUSY PHOTOGRAPHY   LOCKIE MY DEAR..   SIGH... WELL HE WON'T BE STILL!!! HEY LADY..   I HAVE BEEN COOPED UP
 WITH A BUNCH OF   YAPPING AND SNAPPING   LOUD MOUTH, WHITE FUZZY THINGS,
 FOR 7 WEEKS... YOUR GONA HAVE TO RUN TO KEEP UP WITH ME! WOW!    LOOK AT THAT THING...   I AM GONA GO AND SMELL OF IT    AND THEN......    I AM GOING TO BITE IT.... AFTER THAT... I JUST MAY TAKE A NAP ON IT!!!!        OH YEAH!! THIS JUST USED TO BE HER FAVORITE BLANKET!   IT EVEN SMELLS GREAT..   ODE' DE' LIVING ROOM RUG'!...  Hello friends, meet the newest member of the lockie and Homer household. I picked him up yesterday afternoon, and I have laughed and played more in the last 4 hours than I have since my fuzzy buddy of 14 years relationship passed on 2 years ago on January 14th of this year. He hasn't told us what his name is yet.. he just smiles and chases me using those 3 inch long legs,  on a slippery kitchen floor.. he doesn't get anywhere very fast.. but he is hell bent for leather the entire trip! lol..   I was looking in the classified ads, trying to find someone, who was selling feeder calves, and instead,  there was this ad for Westies  (West Highland Terrier)  and the price was the same price I paid for Mike.. a long time ago!   I called, I drove and drove, and got lost, several times... But in the end result of all those hours of  total awkward ignorance of that part of my state,  I have a new room mate.
 Homer better tow the line.. cause he is cuter! I say that now, but in about 2 months, his teeth are going to make me think of this critter below me!!! I wonder what will be destroyed? We all know that it is just some kind of sheer puppy bliss to destroy things!   The more expensive or hard to replace the item is,  or the wider you can strow the mess.. the better it is! lol Look for more fun with.. umm.. whats his name in the future of this blog space..
I love them fuzzy puppies!

              lockerridge

APRIL, 9, 2009 FANCAST.. I GOT THIS FROM MY FRIEND STEVE AND I AM IMPRESSED!

APRIL, 9, 2009  FANCAST..   I GOT THIS FROM MY FRIEND STEVE   AND   I AM IMPRESSED! My friend ... Steve. ...   posted this fantastic site that you can watch movies and television for absolutely no money what so ever! HULU  is a dribble dabble kind of deal in comparison to this site! I have been hooked up in the old series Airwolf and the new episodes of NCIS all night!!! You may not see me much for a while.. cause after I get done with Airwolf.. I am going into the movie archives and see what is available there.
 I am impressed folks..
TO GIVE A LOOKSEE ..
CLICK THE LINK UP BELOW

FANCAST
THANK YOU STEVE...
 ALIAS BEATLE BOY ...
 ALIAS ... STEVE IN A BOX...
 YOUR THE BEST!      lockerridge

APRIL 5, 2009 BIRTHDAY PARTY.. HERE TODAY! FOR VINNIE! COME ON OVER AND LETS PLAY!

APRIL 5, 2009
 BIRTHDAY PARTY..
 HERE
 TODAY!
FOR VINNIE!
COME ON OVER
 AND
LETS PLAY!

;         HAVING SO MUCH TROUBLE GETTING MY BLOG COMPOSER TO HELP WITH YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY VINNIE!
BUT IT IS A PARTY STILL YET.. AND MULTIPLY CAN'T FOUL UP A FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE THEY FIGHT US USING THE NET!

&n            

                                                                      



    

YOU ARE SO FORTUNATE THIS BIRTHDAY VINNIE! EVEN THOUGH THE MICE TRIED TO EAT EVERYTHING IN MOUSE SIGHT...I HAD A CAKE STASHED IN MY FREEZER FOR JUST SUCH AN EMERGENCY

      
glitter-XX

THIS IS SO HARD TO MANAGE MY GOOD FRIEND.. YOUR BIRTHDAY BLOG IS NOT WHAT IT SHOULD BE.. BUT I AM TRYING TO MAKE THE COMPOSER WORK RIGHT.. I AM TO THE POINT I AM LIKE THE IDEA OF DROPPING IT FROM A GREAT HEIGHT!!!

&p;

WELL VINNIE I HAVE TRIED.. IT HAS TAKEN ME 4 HOURS TO GET THIS MUCH DONE.. I AM SERIOUS..
ABOUT DROPPING IT FROM A GREAT HEIGHT..
 SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MY BLOG COMPOSER ON THIS SITE!

THE WHOLE GANG PITCHED IN AND GOT YOU FREE PASSES TO DISNEY WORLD AND TO RIDE THE ZOOMER BOOMER
 WHO
NEEDS A CAT GROOMER..
 WATER SLIDE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FRIEND.
I HOPE THEY FIX THIS BLOGGER
I CAN ONLY HOPE.. JUST KNOW I HAVE TRIED HARD TO MAKE IT SPECIAL.. BUT ALL I HAVE MANAGED IS SOME GRAPHICS AND A FEW WORDS OF TEXT.. I HATES MULITPLY WHEN IT CHOKES OFF MY CREATIVITY AT MY NECK!
LOVE YOU A LOT.. AND I HOPE THIS YEAR IS YOUR MOST GRAND ONE ALIVE YET!!

LOCKIE

  

lockerridge

APRIL 3, 2009 UNITED FRIENDS WRITERS GROUP CHALLENGE NUMBER ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO INSOMNIAC JUAN VALDEZ AND THE SEVEN UNITED COFFEE PLANTATION WORKERS

APRIL 3, 2009 UNITED FRIENDS WRITERS GROUP   CHALLENGE NUMBER   ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO  INSOMNIAC JUAN VALDEZ   AND THE SEVEN UNITED COFFEE PLANTATION WORKERS   Sanctuaryrose's Challenge

 Ok, so we have all heard of 'Sleeping Beauty', 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves', 'Cinderella', 'Rupunzel', and various fairy tales, well here's the fun part, what if we switched the roles and had some fun with these fairy tales. How about "Sleeping Handsome', 'Snow Man and the Seven Ladies', 'Cinderdude', 'Rupun with the really long hair'Your challenge is to rewrite a fairy tale, any way you want by switching the female roles with male rolls and have fun. Make it funny or crazy, however you want it. Have fun!

   Once upon a time not so long ago, there was a King, named Juan the First who owned a coffee plantation on an island named Valdez,  in the middle of the ocean. His home was a beautiful Ranch Style Castle.  He was married to the nicest woman named Shirley. Shirley was one happy woman!  Beautiful house, right on the beach, rich husband who was finally settled down after the coffee pickers had gone Union. If her husband would stop driving her crazy about giving him a son to carry on when he passed away. Life would be perfect!!!
 So, Shirley went to the village and visited Miss Cleo's Psychic  Adviser Hut and Taco Bell, for a psychic reading about all of it.  Miss Cleo told her to NOT get pregnant any time soon! She told her it was some bad ju ju.. she was so freaked by the badness of the ju ju.. she told Shirley to not come back ..unless it was emergency urgent.. then just Call Me Now but stay away from me!!!  Shirley secretly continued to take her birth control pills, thinking she would go back to see Miss Cleo in a year and see if the ju ju had gotten any nicer. But her husband found the pills and replaced them with Tic Tacs, and then put the romance on Shirley in a big way! Sure enough, Shirley got pregnant and sure enough Miss Cleo told it like the ju ju on the wall said.. she died soon after giving birth to a son.. whom Juan the First named Juan the Second.
 Juan2 lucked out and looked nothing like his father.. this kid was cute!!!  All the coffee pickers would give up their paid holidays just to play with him.  Because his mother had passed on.. there was only one other woman available to wet nurse Juan 2, and she had just had a multiple birth of 8 children and was very busy trying to get people to give her money and a car and a house.. so Juan 2 drank a lot of coffee in his bottle.  This brought about an accelerated growth process so his father made sure he had a steady supply of it. He learned to crawl when he was 4 months old and was walking by the time he was 8 months old. The only drawback to this, was he didn't seem to need much sleep, and the King was worn out! So he got on the internet and looked up Craigslist and found an ad for a new bride to be Juan 2's new stepmother/babysitter.When she arrived on the island she  brought with her, her brother .. who was awfully chummy with the Kings new bride.. the King wondered if all people from Ohio tongue kissed their brothers and sisters.. but decided that it must just be one of those American customs and forgot about it. Her name was Wilma and her brothers name was Fred. Fred had packed the one possession that he would not be without.. his magic mirror. So while Wilma chased Juan 2 all day and night, he would comb his hair and pluck out his eyebrows and have facials.
The King had to pay the coffee pickers overtime and a half for the facials and double time for his daily massage. He would gaze into the mirror and say.. " Mirror Mirror leaned up against the wall..( didn't have any walls to hang it on that would not fall from the weight of it.. it was 10 ft wide and 10 ft. tall.. it was what you call a full view mirror) who is the bitchinest looking guy in the world?"  And the mirror would say.. " YOU are Fred.. why the hell do you keep asking me that? Don't you have any current events you could talk about every once in a while?" And so the years went by peacefully with Juan2 still in accelerated mode with his learning.. he finished grade school when he was 9, high school when he was 14, and went into correspondence courses and entered the online classes to learn how to become an insurance appraiser from Phoenix University.
He aced that course in a month and went on to learn how to be a lock smith.. then they figured out it was a wasted effort since no one had doors on their houses on the island of Valdez.
 Since there wasn't much left he could do by correspondence courses,  he decided to become an inventor, but gave that up when his automatic coffee berry picking machine kept tearing up every time the United Coffee Pickers tried to use it. So sad...
By the time he was 18 his good looks had won him a modeling job for Calvin Klein. He used the stage name .. Juan Valdez...  
   He traveled all over the world doing photo shoots selling CK drawers, and promoting his fathers coffee to the public. He was successful beyond his fathers wildest dreams!
The coffee pickers all adored him and followed him around in hopes he would want to marry one of them someday. But Juan2 was having a good time sewing his wild coffee beans! He wasn't looking for a wife at all! He still drank lots of coffee.. about 3 gallons a day and slept only 2 or 3 hours every other day. But his looks never suffered.. if anything he just go got better looking all the time!
 Black hair that was so shiny it looked just like a crows feather.. a deep dark tan that never faded,  dimples, and eyes so black they reminded one of midnight when a when hurricane was hitting the beach..  George Clooney eat your heart out! One day when Fred and Wilma were in Freds room.. umm.. playing cards.. yeah that is it.. they were playing cards, when Wilma looked at the Magic Mirror and said " Mirror Mirror leaning against the wall.. am I still as beautiful as I was before I came to be the Queen of this island, without a mall?" And the mirror replied, " Honey when you go on vacation you ain't gona need to buy no luggage to pack your clothes in.. you grew your own under your eyes.. and as for being beautiful as you were before.. that has not changed at all.. cause you was not looking that good to start with! Is it too much to ask somebody to get a bottle of Windex and clean me off every once in a while.. I scared myself to death the other day when I thought I was seeing white spots before my eyes.. and it was just hair gel from Mr. Universe over there." Fred decided to ask the mirror his favorite question, " Mirror Mirror leaning against the wall.. who is the the bitchinest looking guy in the world?" And the mirror replied," Hahahahahahahaa! I have been waiting for you to ask me that for weeks now.. cause you fell to number 20 in the ratings poll this week.. Juan2 is not only the bitchinest looking guy in the world.. he is gona inherit a coffee plantation and an island one of these days.. you got zip in the bank and your father left all his money to a rat that lived under the floor ... " Fred was stunned! Fred was dumbfounded! Fred got pissed! Fred got on the net and googled his problem and made arrangement to get rid of Juan2 with a company called.. HIT-MEN-R-US...  he had to wait a week for his credit card to be verified cause he didn't have Pay Pal.. what is he thinking?.. everybody has PayPal! When they arrived on the island it took another two days to just get all the plans made straight about what was to happen, they were a union shop and brought their union steward with them. Fred got three grievances written on him before they got off the boat. He revealed to them a plan to kidnap Juan2, put him in a burlap sack, and throw him in the ocean. They agreed upon this plan and set about making it come about. Juan2 was found in his usual spot .. climbing up and down the coconut trees.. cause they were there..
They sneaked up under the tree, and snatched him as he started climbing back up.  They tied a blindfold over his eyes and tied his hands behind his back, Then placed him  into a burlap sack.
Then while one guy carried him to the beach the other five discussed what would be good for lunch. The Hit Men left him there while they took there hour lunch break.

 Juan2 wiggled and rolled and wiggled and rolled until he rolled himself out into the woods on the island. The coffee pickers homes were behind the trees in the suburbs of Valdez, but Juan2 had never been invited to come over for any sleep overs or anything. Except that one girl.. what was her name? ... Susan?.. Kathy?.. sigh.. he thought about this while he rolled and tumbled in the woods and when he finally worked his way out of the sack.. he was lost big time! He wandered around in the woods for a good 15 or 20 minutes before 7 of the United Coffee Pickers found him on their way home from a shift at the Grinding Shed. They saw Juan2 was in caffeine withdrawal and immediately set up an espresso machine that ran on batteries, and fixed him a double strong lottie with whipped creme! When the workers figured out Juan2 was lost and didn't know his way home.. being young females, whom had lusted after him for years... they had a girl council and decided to keep him for a while. Juan2 thought this was an excellent idea .. after all they had espresso.. and one of them was named Victoria .. and she told him a lot of secrets! So the days went by and the nights went by and Juan2 was really in no hurry to find his way back home ... but at the Ranch Style Castle .. the King was in hysterics!...

 (When the hit men realized that Juan2 had escaped while they were at lunch.. they decided it was good enough for government work and just neglected to tell Fred that he was not in the ocean.. but they told the truth kind of by saying he had disappeared from their lives, and we expect payment in full in cash before we leave the island" Fred sneaked down to his room and said to the Magic Mirror, " Mirror Mirror leaning against the wall.. who is the most bitchin' looking guy in the world? "And the Magic Mirror said," You are so lame! Do you actually think those idiots you hired got the job done? Your just pitiful now! Juan2 is still the most bitchin' looking man in the world!" Fred flew out of the room to stop payment on his credit card payment to the hit men.. but it was too late.. they had already left the island in a seaplane they had bought with the money from his credit card payment.
  While Fred was in town he paid a visit to Miss Cleo ... told her of his problems with not finding good help these days, and that he was in need of something that would get rid of Juan2 forever, and ate a Taco Supreme.!  Miss Cleo took pity on the pitiful sight he made and handed him a red plastic container and said .." Find him and substitute this for his coffee container.. and he will fall into a deep sleep and never awaken from it.." Fred looked at the canister and asked what was in it that would make this happen?..  Miss Cleo replied.. " Decaf." Not trusting anyone else to do it.. Fred himself tracked Juan2 into the fores,t, and saw him having dinner with the 7 United Coffee Pickers. Being very quiet he slipped into the back of the house Juan2 was staying at, and exchanged his canister for the canister of coffee they had. And then slithered back to the Ranch Style Castle. Sure enough the next morning.. none of the 7 United Coffee Pickers could wake Juan2 up. They even got mirrors and held them under his nose to made sure he was still alive. They were frantic! Worried beyond anything they had ever been worried about before! So they decided to go shopping to relieve the stress of the situation.  Putting a blanket over Juan2, they left to go to the mall on the nearest island.. for a couple of days.. or since Juan2 had started to snore..  maybe a week. Juan2 slept on, never even waking to go to the bathroom.. ewwwwww! On the second day the 7 United Coffee Pickers were gone.. a boat pulled up on the beach and beautiful woman climbed out of it!
 She was blonde and blue eyed... with a tiny bikini on that had the words, Property of the Titanic II embroidered on the back of the bottoms.
The woman, immediately started walking at a rapid pace into the woods, looking behind her every few minutes. She spied the workers houses and heard the most awful noise coming from one of them..
 Kind of like a chainsaw and a fog horn mix. She decided to check it out and she found Juan2 still on the couch, still covered with a blanket and the ceiling over him had cracked from the high volume of the snoring. He was covered in little pieces of plaster and looked absolutely adorable! She decided it was time to wake this man up and do away with that snoring, and so she could get a better view of him. So she searched out the coffee and set about making a pot. But she noticed that the coffee was a really light color and realized it was decaf!  She searched the other United Coffee Pickers houses, and came up with some extra dark roast and made a really thick pot of coffee.. It ate through the bottom of the coffee carafe and she had to scrape it off the stove to get it in the cup..
First she waved it under Juan2's nose ..  then she dipped a finger in it and placed it on his lips..
 Juan 2 stopped snoring and started to lick his lips furiously! So deciding to be bold she took a mouthful of the brew, and despite the immediate burning sensation of her mouth being eaten away.. she pressed her mouth to his and gave him a straight injection from her mouth to his of almost pure caffeine!    Need I say that became one of the longest french roast kisses in history! It turned out that the beautiful woman was in hiding from her boyfriend who worked for HIT-MEN-R-US, and had jumped off the cruise ship into the little life boat , ending up on Juan2's beach.
 She was a gossip columnist from back in Ohio.
Juan2 fell in love immediately, and when the 7 United Coffee Pickers returned home.. they showed them how to get back to the Ranch Style Castle..
The King was overjoyed!
 He called his wife, Wilma, and her bother, Fred into the living room to show them that Juan2 had made it home.

 When the blonde girl said in a puzzled voice, " Fred is that you? Wilma! I have not seen you since you guys wedding day!"
Needless to say.. Wilma and Fred and Miss Cleo were banished to another island many miles away with an active volcano on it, and Juan2 and the Blonde were married.

They lived happily ever after picking coffee beans and doing the Folgers Flutters Dance everyday!   The End...

Terri McCain/lockerridge For more poems and stories click the link below UNITED FRIENDS WRITERS GROUP

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