NOVEMBER 1, 2007 REPOST OF MY SEPTEMBER 22, 2006 A ME AND HOMER STORY.. 2ND IN THE SERIES.. "SO THAT HAS BEEN THE PROBLEM ALL ALONG!"

SEPT.22,2006 SO THAT HAS BEEN THE PROBLEM ALL ALONG!

For the sake of staying a little bit anonymous, we will call my significant other Homer. Homer is something else. He is sweet as candy, country as a mouse, and I love him dearly. But he is just a little bit, shall we say strange about his way of getting things done, and when he decides to do them.

Tonight it is storming. I mean they are having tornado warnings and the color weather radar is nothing but a big red splotch on the screen. It is not a good night to be outside. Or on top of the roof.

We have a small problem with a leaky seam over the front door of the mobile home. It has been this way now for at least 2 months, and every time it rains, he says I am going to get up there tomorrow and silicone the cracks in the seams. I always say okay, even though I am yet to understand how his calendar works, tomorrow is usually a never coming day in the future. I mean if it is not raining, it does not need fixing and when it is raining, you don't want to get wet right? Sure, right...... logic Homer style.

Any way tonight as the weather reports on TV are predicting it was getting closer to us, the more he comments that he ought to silicone those cracks before it gets here. I just smile and keep typing. I do that a lot , smile and type. It is the best answer to the situation every time. Well anyway, the lightning is starting, and he drags out the ladder and gets his caulk gun, silicone,8 ft. long piece of pvc pipe( homemade gutter cleaning tool) and the flash light. I continue to smile and type. I ain't going out there. I mean somebody has got to be available to call 911!  don't cha know. lol

I hear him up there clomping around, (if the seams weren't leaking before, they are now), then over the clomping sound I hear the roar of a unmuffled motor. My cousin, who is building a '64 chevy pickup, with Homers expert advice of course, roars into the yard and the truck immediately dies, and when you hit the key it just goes click. He and his new wife are in need of a jump. So clomp, clomp he climbs down off the ladder, which is about 8 inches too short for him to step down onto. So he almost falls, but catches himself and does double time to get the jumper cables and his truck. I come outside to tell them how crazy they are to be driving around in the dark on a stormy night in a builder of a truck. Remember I am the God mother of the family, being the senior member, so I have to be the voice of reason. lol  I am about as equipped to do that as I am to be the CEO of Trump Enterprises. But, as it is my responsibility to stomp on everyones enthusiasm, so be it, I gave it a try. They told me to shut up and go back to smiling and typing. I did.

I heard him fire up a few minutes later and then haul it out of the driveway. I will have ruts to fill in tomorrow, sigh. Then I hear the clomp, clomp again. I keep on typing and smiling.

About 5 minutes later, the sound of another vehicle that sounds like it is unmuffled, but is, can be heard spluttering and coming in for a landing. It is my stepson, and he is fast running out of gas. But , the stereo is turned up to a notch just below the space shuttle lauching, and the bass is making my pc screen tremble and roll. He is a thumper, Lord help us he is a thumper. So I hear," Dad, I need to borrow some gas money". I get up and start for my purse, I hear the expected words, " Hey, come and give Homer Jr. some money for gas." I smile, raid my wallet, go out, hand over my hard to get cash, smile, turn walk in the house to type once again. Smile just smile. Then I hear clomp, clomp, clomp. Varoom, splutter, put, put, and then he is off to the races, or the gas station......sigh, I smile. 

Then the room is lit up like a yard light, the thunder clap rattles the windows, and immediately a downpour that would drown a frog starts. I look up from the computer screen, and hear tap, tap, tap, on the sliding glass doors. I smile and open the door. He is on the roof, and hits me in the face with his pvc pipe gutter cleaner. He was using it to tap on the door. I forgive him. Slowly.

He says, " Hey come and hold the ladder for me, I am going to get killed up here. I don't think I should finish this now. I'll finish it tomorrow." I smile and put on my shoes.

I go out and he is flinging leaves from the guttering with speed like a guy who is driving the get away car! As is becoming the theme for the evening, added to the throbbing swelling nose I have from the hit with the tap tap pipe,  now I have a face full of wet leaves. You  know I really do care for this guy don't ya?  I smile.

I go over to the ladder and he clomps down to it. He says, "Can you catch the flash light?" Of couse before I can say anything the throws it down to me. I drop it, but it didn't hit me, thank goodness.  I grit my teeth, but I smile.

I am holding the ladder to keep it from falling when he sort of hops onto the top of it, remember it is too short by a good 8 inches. He just keeps dangling there and I say," I am holding the ladder come on down, I won't let it tump over." It is really raining now, and lightning like God is trying to short circuit the whole world. Thunder is crashing around us and it is very dark, lots of wind. Not a real homey kind of night.

He keeps mumbling something, which I can't understand, and well my patience has run its long course on this one. I say in a kind of loud voice," Damnit Homer, get on the ladder, I am not going to stand here all night!" To which he mumbles another reply, I could not understand. Still dangling 8 inches above the top of the ladder.  I repeat my instructions to which he says, and I got to tell you this is the other reason I love this guy so much, and laugh most of my days. He says to me in a very loud voice so the neighbors on the other side of the next road hears him, " I said I am hung  woman, and I don't mean I am hung like a horse either, I am hung on the fireplace vent and I can't work on getting loose from  that and answer you at the same time!"

It was all I could do to hold the ladder till, he finally got loose from the roof. I then lost all control, and laughed until I had to go and lay down my sides hurt so much. He was so serious, with the remark comparing his attributes to that of a horse, and he looked so ridiculous hanging there in the middle of the thunderstorm, with his hat on backwards, caulking gun stuck in his waistband in the front, legs of his jeans tucked into his boots, and the 8 ft. long piece of pvc piple sticking up out of the back waistband of his jeans. I compare it to a human lightning rod, although it has no danger of it damaging any brain cells if it does catch a bolt. lol

He has not given up on the idea of gassing the gophers,that I told you about in the previous blog. He has enlisted the help of several of his male friends, as well as my overly enthusiastic son. My son has a thing about blowing things up and is quite carried away with the possiblities of this adventure. I am leaving the house for the day. I think my insurance will cover the warfare damage, and well if it doesn't, hey Homer will fix it tomorrow.

lockerridge 

Thursday September 21, 2006 - 11:30pm (CDT)

SEPT.21,2006 I HAVE HEARD OF HAVING HAVING HAIR LIKE STRAW BUT TREE BARK? FIRST IN A SERIES.. ME AND HOMER STORIES BY LOCKERRIDGE

Okay, I have heard of people making their hedges look like little poodle dogs, and into mazes, and even into places to hide from the police, but this is new to me!

I have to think this was done on purpose, I mean if it just is a natural occurence, I am going to have to wonder what has happened to Mother Nature. Is she giving us a hint? You know, straighten up or I can do other things with the human form. I can just change my mind about making you idiots into human form. She may be working on an evolutionary change. This may be the missing link people! OMG! Leave it to me to introduce it to the world. Always ahead of the game, and needing change for the pepsi machine, that's me.lol

But then again, she may have just gotten a little too much valium in her sea water this morning! lol I know I have done that before, and the next day wondered who washed that red dress in with the white tee shirts and made all of the guys tighty whiteys pink in the process. Couldn't have been me. No way. hehehehe.....

As far as I am concerned yard work is really not much fun anymore. I am not very good at making things grow where I want them to. I plant a holly bush in the flower bed in the front of the house and it dies, or I think it does, cause I rip it out of the ground when it has lost all its leaves and the limbs snap in to dust when broken, I throw it over the fence into the cow pasture.

I looked out there the other day and it is huge .... in the cow pasture. Now that just sucks! I don't care who you are, it just sucks.I look to the north and the south likewise east and west. All these people have yards that look like they use a paintbrush to make em so smooth, weed free, flowerful.

I got sandburs, thistles, crab grass, johnson grass, and gophers. I don't mean the little moles that leave the tunnels that cause me to fall down and bust my... well anyway, I have those also. I am talking about the kind of gophers in Caddy Shack. The ones that leave mounds of dirt a foot tall and a foot in circumference. In a random pattern all over the yard. No one else has these varmints. Why is my yard so much to their likeing they have built condominiums and sell time shares to their relatives. I have no clue. I do nothing to persuade them it is a nice place to build and raise their children. I think sometimes they have a university under the ground cause they are so smart. I mean I have tried, traps, poison pellets, juicy fruit gum( old wives tale, I am desperate) they just blew bubbles at me and laughed.

I tried one thing they hated though, moth balls. Yes sir, they did not like it when I shoved them into their little gopher hole homes. They threw them back at me! EEEK!

How am I to win at this one?

 Well, I gave the problem to the all knowing, and all ready to rid the yard of vermin, boyfriend.

This may not be a good thing. He is talking of gasoline, propane, and tubing. Wants a fuse of some length, I don't remember how much, cause I am not going to be at home when this bomb goes off. I hope they haven't built any homes under the house. I wonder if my insurance covers warfare on gophers. I gotta go and check this out, I'll report back later on the technique and if it works. 

hummm...

If I survive the blast that is.

lockerridge

Comments

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ICEMAN

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With this type of "IED" you would probably have to Caddy Shack up with the Gophers,because there will be nothing left around your house.Or look back to the tree, Mother Nature may mutate you into a Gopher,but I would still join you in a couple of the verses of that Caddy Shack song the Gopher use to sing,how did it go? I"m alright? LOL

Thursday September 21, 2006 - 04:13am (PDT) Remove Comment

Iamig…

Lol... your take on your surrounding is hilarious as usual. And I have watched Caddyshack, my advice is to leave them alone! Heh.

Ok... since you made me laugh, I will tell you a deep dark secret of mine. I killed a cactus once! No no, not on purpose... I was trying to grow it... raise it. I swear, as soon as I touched it, I saw it go from healthy little plant to a shrivelled, decayed thing right before my eyes. Sigh... don't trust anyone that tell you they are easy to grow.

Thursday September 21, 2006 - 12:13pm (PDT) Remove Comment

JaeElle

This is so funny!! Where are the cats?? Don't you have cats in your neighborhood? They usually get all the gophers. Cats are great hunters. Sure do not think I would use gasoline or propane. Too dangerous.

Love this blog - - so funny, my friend. Luckily I do not have gophers. There are so many cats in the neighborhood where I live. Too many, actually - - but NO GOPHERS!

Thursday September 21, 2006 - 02:45pm (PDT) Remove Comment

Locke…

You know something you guys, I don't actually try to make anything funny. It is just the way my life is. I am telling the truth and not stretching it at all!
As a matter of fact I will put his latest escapde in a blog right now. you will love it .

Thursday September 21, 2006 - 09:41pm (CDT) Remove Comment

Momma…

OMG Locke!! You have outdone yourself this time, my girl! I laughed so hard everybody in my house today came running to see what was so funny!! You rock girl, and your yard sure sounds like certain parts of mine! But I have a couple of marmots! They raise babies that are the size of gophers when they're born, lol!! I have no plans for lethal weapons, though!! Lol, I hope you survive the war!! Lets hope the gophers don't escalate as well and start tossing things bigger than moth balls at you! Grenades come to mind!! Keep us posted on your Backyard Adventures and thanks for the best laugh I've had in days!!

Thursday September 21, 2006 - 11:04pm (EDT) Remove Comment