APRIL 3, 2009
UNITED FRIENDS WRITERS GROUP
CHALLENGE NUMBER
ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO
INSOMNIAC JUAN VALDEZ
AND
THE SEVEN UNITED COFFEE PLANTATION WORKERS
Sanctuaryrose's Challenge
Ok, so we have all heard of 'Sleeping Beauty', 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves', 'Cinderella', 'Rupunzel', and various fairy tales, well here's the fun part, what if we switched the roles and had some fun with these fairy tales. How about "Sleeping Handsome', 'Snow Man and the Seven Ladies', 'Cinderdude', 'Rupun with the really long hair'Your challenge is to rewrite a fairy tale, any way you want by switching the female roles with male rolls and have fun. Make it funny or crazy, however you want it. Have fun!
Once upon a time not so long ago, there was a King, named Juan the First who owned a coffee plantation on an island named Valdez, in the middle of the ocean. His home was a beautiful Ranch Style Castle.
He was married to the nicest woman named Shirley. Shirley was one happy woman! Beautiful house, right on the beach, rich husband who was finally settled down after the coffee pickers had gone Union.
If her husband would stop driving her crazy about giving him a son to carry on when he passed away. Life would be perfect!!!
So, Shirley went to the village and visited Miss Cleo's Psychic Adviser Hut and Taco Bell, for a psychic reading about all of it.
Miss Cleo told her to NOT get pregnant any time soon! She told her it was some bad ju ju.. she was so freaked by the badness of the ju ju.. she told Shirley to not come back ..unless it was emergency urgent.. then just Call Me Now but stay away from me!!!
Shirley secretly continued to take her birth control pills, thinking she would go back to see Miss Cleo in a year and see if the ju ju had gotten any nicer.
But her husband found the pills and replaced them with Tic Tacs, and then put the romance on Shirley in a big way! Sure enough, Shirley got pregnant and sure enough Miss Cleo told it like the ju ju on the wall said.. she died soon after giving birth to a son.. whom Juan the First named Juan the Second.
Juan2 lucked out and looked nothing like his father.. this kid was cute!!! All the coffee pickers would give up their paid holidays just to play with him.
Because his mother had passed on.. there was only one other woman available to wet nurse Juan 2, and she had just had a multiple birth of 8 children and was very busy trying to get people to give her money and a car and a house.. so Juan 2 drank a lot of coffee in his bottle. This brought about an accelerated growth process so his father made sure he had a steady supply of it. He learned to crawl when he was 4 months old and was walking by the time he was 8 months old. The only drawback to this, was he didn't seem to need much sleep, and the King was worn out!
So he got on the internet and looked up Craigslist and found an ad for a new bride to be Juan 2's new stepmother/babysitter.When she arrived on the island she brought with her, her brother .. who was awfully chummy with the Kings new bride.. the King wondered if all people from Ohio tongue kissed their brothers and sisters.. but decided that it must just be one of those American customs and forgot about it. Her name was Wilma and her brothers name was Fred.
Fred had packed the one possession that he would not be without.. his magic mirror. So while Wilma chased Juan 2 all day and night, he would comb his hair and pluck out his eyebrows and have facials.
The King had to pay the coffee pickers overtime and a half for the facials and double time for his daily massage. He would gaze into the mirror and say.. " Mirror Mirror leaned up against the wall..( didn't have any walls to hang it on that would not fall from the weight of it.. it was 10 ft wide and 10 ft. tall.. it was what you call a full view mirror) who is the bitchinest looking guy in the world?"
And the mirror would say.. " YOU are Fred.. why the hell do you keep asking me that? Don't you have any current events you could talk about every once in a while?"
And so the years went by peacefully with Juan2 still in accelerated mode with his learning.. he finished grade school when he was 9, high school when he was 14, and went into correspondence courses and entered the online classes to learn how to become an insurance appraiser from Phoenix University.
He aced that course in a month and went on to learn how to be a lock smith.. then they figured out it was a wasted effort since no one had doors on their houses on the island of Valdez.
Since there wasn't much left he could do by correspondence courses, he decided to become an inventor, but gave that up when his automatic coffee berry picking machine kept tearing up every time the United Coffee Pickers tried to use it. So sad...
By the time he was 18 his good looks had won him a modeling job for Calvin Klein. He used the stage name .. Juan Valdez...
He traveled all over the world doing photo shoots selling CK drawers, and promoting his fathers coffee to the public. He was successful beyond his fathers wildest dreams!
The coffee pickers all adored him and followed him around in hopes he would want to marry one of them someday. But Juan2 was having a good time sewing his wild coffee beans! He wasn't looking for a wife at all! He still drank lots of coffee.. about 3 gallons a day and slept only 2 or 3 hours every other day. But his looks never suffered.. if anything he just go got better looking all the time!
Black hair that was so shiny it looked just like a crows feather.. a deep dark tan that never faded, dimples, and eyes so black they reminded one of midnight when a when hurricane was hitting the beach.. George Clooney eat your heart out!
One day when Fred and Wilma were in Freds room.. umm.. playing cards.. yeah that is it.. they were playing cards, when Wilma looked at the Magic Mirror and said " Mirror Mirror leaning against the wall.. am I still as beautiful as I was before I came to be the Queen of this island, without a mall?"
And the mirror replied, " Honey when you go on vacation you ain't gona need to buy no luggage to pack your clothes in.. you grew your own under your eyes.. and as for being beautiful as you were before.. that has not changed at all.. cause you was not looking that good to start with! Is it too much to ask somebody to get a bottle of Windex and clean me off every once in a while.. I scared myself to death the other day when I thought I was seeing white spots before my eyes.. and it was just hair gel from Mr. Universe over there."
Fred decided to ask the mirror his favorite question, " Mirror Mirror leaning against the wall.. who is the the bitchinest looking guy in the world?"
And the mirror replied," Hahahahahahahaa! I have been waiting for you to ask me that for weeks now.. cause you fell to number 20 in the ratings poll this week.. Juan2 is not only the bitchinest looking guy in the world.. he is gona inherit a coffee plantation and an island one of these days.. you got zip in the bank and your father left all his money to a rat that lived under the floor ... "
Fred was stunned! Fred was dumbfounded! Fred got pissed! Fred got on the net and googled his problem and made arrangement to get rid of Juan2 with a company called.. HIT-MEN-R-US... he had to wait a week for his credit card to be verified cause he didn't have Pay Pal.. what is he thinking?.. everybody has PayPal!
When they arrived on the island it took another two days to just get all the plans made straight about what was to happen, they were a union shop and brought their union steward with them. Fred got three grievances written on him before they got off the boat.
He revealed to them a plan to kidnap Juan2, put him in a burlap sack, and throw him in the ocean. They agreed upon this plan and set about making it come about.
Juan2 was found in his usual spot .. climbing up and down the coconut trees.. cause they were there..
They sneaked up under the tree, and snatched him as he started climbing back up. They tied a blindfold over his eyes and tied his hands behind his back, Then placed him into a burlap sack.
Then while one guy carried him to the beach the other five discussed what would be good for lunch. The Hit Men left him there while they took there hour lunch break.
Juan2 wiggled and rolled and wiggled and rolled until he rolled himself out into the woods on the island. The coffee pickers homes were behind the trees in the suburbs of Valdez, but Juan2 had never been invited to come over for any sleep overs or anything. Except that one girl.. what was her name? ... Susan?.. Kathy?.. sigh.. he thought about this while he rolled and tumbled in the woods and when he finally worked his way out of the sack.. he was lost big time!
He wandered around in the woods for a good 15 or 20 minutes before 7 of the United Coffee Pickers found him on their way home from a shift at the Grinding Shed. They saw Juan2 was in caffeine withdrawal and immediately set up an espresso machine that ran on batteries, and fixed him a double strong lottie with whipped creme!
When the workers figured out Juan2 was lost and didn't know his way home.. being young females, whom had lusted after him for years... they had a girl council and decided to keep him for a while. Juan2 thought this was an excellent idea .. after all they had espresso.. and one of them was named Victoria .. and she told him a lot of secrets!
So the days went by and the nights went by and Juan2 was really in no hurry to find his way back home ... but at the Ranch Style Castle .. the King was in hysterics!...
(When the hit men realized that Juan2 had escaped while they were at lunch.. they decided it was good enough for government work and just neglected to tell Fred that he was not in the ocean.. but they told the truth kind of by saying he had disappeared from their lives, and we expect payment in full in cash before we leave the island"
Fred sneaked down to his room and said to the Magic Mirror, " Mirror Mirror leaning against the wall.. who is the most bitchin' looking guy in the world?
"And the Magic Mirror said," You are so lame! Do you actually think those idiots you hired got the job done? Your just pitiful now! Juan2 is still the most bitchin' looking man in the world!"
Fred flew out of the room to stop payment on his credit card payment to the hit men.. but it was too late.. they had already left the island in a seaplane they had bought with the money from his credit card payment.
While Fred was in town he paid a visit to Miss Cleo ... told her of his problems with not finding good help these days, and that he was in need of something that would get rid of Juan2 forever, and ate a Taco Supreme.!
Miss Cleo took pity on the pitiful sight he made and handed him a red plastic container and said .." Find him and substitute this for his coffee container.. and he will fall into a deep sleep and never awaken from it.."
Fred looked at the canister and asked what was in it that would make this happen?..
Miss Cleo replied.. " Decaf."
Not trusting anyone else to do it.. Fred himself tracked Juan2 into the fores,t, and saw him having dinner with the 7 United Coffee Pickers. Being very quiet he slipped into the back of the house Juan2 was staying at, and exchanged his canister for the canister of coffee they had.
And then slithered back to the Ranch Style Castle.
Sure enough the next morning.. none of the 7 United Coffee Pickers could wake Juan2 up. They even got mirrors and held them under his nose to made sure he was still alive.
They were frantic! Worried beyond anything they had ever been worried about before!
So they decided to go shopping to relieve the stress of the situation.
Putting a blanket over Juan2, they left to go to the mall on the nearest island.. for a couple of days.. or since Juan2 had started to snore.. maybe a week.
Juan2 slept on, never even waking to go to the bathroom.. ewwwwww!
On the second day the 7 United Coffee Pickers were gone.. a boat pulled up on the beach and beautiful woman climbed out of it!
She was blonde and blue eyed... with a tiny bikini on that had the words, Property of the Titanic II embroidered on the back of the bottoms.
The woman, immediately started walking at a rapid pace into the woods, looking behind her every few minutes. She spied the workers houses and heard the most awful noise coming from one of them..
Kind of like a chainsaw and a fog horn mix. She decided to check it out and she found Juan2 still on the couch, still covered with a blanket and the ceiling over him had cracked from the high volume of the snoring. He was covered in little pieces of plaster and looked absolutely adorable!
She decided it was time to wake this man up and do away with that snoring, and so she could get a better view of him. So she searched out the coffee and set about making a pot. But she noticed that the coffee was a really light color and realized it was decaf!
She searched the other United Coffee Pickers houses, and came up with some extra dark roast and made a really thick pot of coffee.. It ate through the bottom of the coffee carafe and she had to scrape it off the stove to get it in the cup..
First she waved it under Juan2's nose .. then she dipped a finger in it and placed it on his lips..
Juan 2 stopped snoring and started to lick his lips furiously!
So deciding to be bold she took a mouthful of the brew, and despite the immediate burning sensation of her mouth being eaten away.. she pressed her mouth to his and gave him a straight injection from her mouth to his of almost pure caffeine!
Need I say that became one of the longest french roast kisses in history!
It turned out that the beautiful woman was in hiding from her boyfriend who worked for HIT-MEN-R-US, and had jumped off the cruise ship into the little life boat , ending up on Juan2's beach.
She was a gossip columnist from back in Ohio.
Juan2 fell in love immediately, and when the 7 United Coffee Pickers returned home.. they showed them how to get back to the Ranch Style Castle..
The King was overjoyed!
He called his wife, Wilma, and her bother, Fred into the living room to show them that Juan2 had made it home.
When the blonde girl said in a puzzled voice, " Fred is that you? Wilma! I have not seen you since you guys wedding day!"
Needless to say.. Wilma and Fred and Miss Cleo were banished to another island many miles away with an active volcano on it, and Juan2 and the Blonde were married.
They lived happily ever after picking coffee beans and doing the Folgers Flutters Dance everyday!
The End...
Terri McCain/lockerridge
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