JANUARY 11, 2009
THE DIFFERENT
TYPES OF SEX
IN 2009
I have stolen this from my friend Samantha's blog. I enjoyed it and wanted to share it with you all.. Thanks Samantha.. you post some of the best jokes I have ever heard!
Pension Sex
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex."
"Pension sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body
. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't
cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be...
$3,500 for 'small,$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
The man sighing loudly responded....
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary
The husband yelled,
'When you die, I'm getting
You a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."
WOMAN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube
of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom...
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night,
an 87 year-old woman
came home from Bingo earlier than expected
She found Her 92 year-old husband
in bed with another woman.
She became violent
and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment,
killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly,
'Yes, your honor.
I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
He could also fly."
LONG DISTANCE SEX
Two men were standing at the lunch counter and one said..
"My wife and I are only having long distance sex now days."
The other fellow said,
"What in the world is long distance sex?
How can that possibly work out?"
The first guy says.." Oh, you know .. she stands at one end of the hall yelling
" Screw You"
and I stand at the other end of the hall
and yell,
" Screw You Too".
lockerridge
