DECEMBER 21, 2008 ATTACK OF THE
EVIL MUTANT NINJA SQUIRREL OF DEATH
The following is told as a true story by a fireman in a city in America. I have taken the liberty of editing it somewhat to my own way of telling a story.. but the basic story has remained intact and not changed at all by my editing.. I think you are going to enjoy this little story of a fireman who met the devil in the body of a common red squirrel one sunny afternoon in the suburbs.
ATTACK OF THE EVIL MUTANT NINJA SQUIRREL OF DEATH
I have a love in my life.. it is my motorcycle.. its a Harley.. need I say more?I enjoy cruising around the neighborhoods ... just me and my Harley... Enjoying the flowers and little animals that bark, meow, and hunt for nuts or acorns to eat..
I do this on a regular basis.. especially in the summer time.. until.. I was faced with the evilness that lurks within the hearts of the common red squirrel..
Cruising down a street in my neighborhood one fine sunny afternoon, I met a really slow moving car with a couple little ole ladies inside it probably talking about knitting or something like that..
As I passed this oncoming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car.
I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle ( it can be extremely messy) but a squirrel should pose no danger.
ANIMAL LOVERS... NEVER FEAR.. .
Squirrels, I discovered, possess strange abnormal evil powers of ninja cunning and skill.. and this one happened to be really pissed off.. at ME!!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Harley with "Die Human Scum" clearly written in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened and at the last possible second, he screamed and le apt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Time to Die Human Scum!"
The leap was nothing short of impossible for a human.. let alone a squirrel! He shot straight up, flew over my windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly I knew what it feels like to be attacked by an animal with no fear of retribution from the human it was completely shredding with teeth and claws..
Snarling, hissing and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy ... determined to bring me down .. .
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves and jeans this was completely out of the question .. it had to stop.. and I mean now it had to stop!
Now close your eyes and picture this if you can..
Picture a large man on a very large bike, dressed in jeans, aT-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street ... engaged in the fight of his life ... with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. Missed!I grabbed again..Missed again..I grabbed further..Aha! Got his tail.. and..
With all my strength, I flung the evil demon from my chest and off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I was flung back hard from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristine kept yards and gone on about his business.. gathering nuts and making a home with a girl squirrel.. and I could have headed home, and never said a word to anyone about the experience.. . No one would have been the wiser.
But folks this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even your run of the mill pissed off squirrel
.This was......
TERRORIST EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow, and I have never figured out how he managed it, he had caught my gloved finger with one of his little paws....Not only had he not been flung off into a yard.. the power of the recoil from the fling had swung him around and with amazing force of impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and once again with great passion proceeded to chew my shirt and then skin into a shredded mess!
He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation had become even worse than before .. I started to lose all thought processes except getting loose from this demon spawn of a rodent with a long bushy tail. Especially since the combination of the force of the throw, only having the throttle hand on the handlebars and my jerking back, fighting Evil Ninja Squirrel.. forced a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle.
When your driving a Harley.. you should know this about twisting the throttle handle at any time.. any time at all.. it results in ... TORQUE! The engine screamed "ALLLRIGHT!" and the front wheel left the pavement.
This action caused the squirrel to scream.. in major squirrel pissed offedness, and me to scream in.. uh.. ... well, I just plain screamed.
Once again close your eyes and picture this picture if you can.
Large man on a large bike, riding a wheelie, at 50 mph.. and accelerating.. ,dressed in jeans, a bloody squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, with a Evil Mutant Ninja of all Demonic squirrels attacking him on his back and neck.. just anywhere it could get a tooth or claw to rip something .. . The man and the squirrel are both screaming very, very loudly.
When the bike accelerated and the wheelie began its accent.. I had to try to figure out how to get my hand on the brake and apply it.. but I had a problem with that .. I could not figure out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded.
My brain allowed me to mash on the back brake somewhat.. but with the other hand still giving it gas.. it had little effect on the spectacular wheelie I was performing..
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not taking him seriously enough.. and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity.Which had the effect of making the squirrel figure he was winning and he increased the hissing and biting quality to the maximum I am sure in allowable by any Mutant Ninja Squirrel Attack Training.
Since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment, the RPMs on the bike maxed out, and Saints be Praised.. the front wheel started to drop back down to the pavement
. Once again close your eyes and picture this if you can.
. Large man on a big bike, dressed in jeans, wearing a bloody squirrel destroyed t shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring down a residential street , still on one wheel, at approximately 80 mph by now.. with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed face mask of his helmet.Screaming hoarsely ... and very loudly!
Finally my basic survival instincts kicked in and I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could! Aha! Take that you evil little sack of.. .. breathing hard and wiping squirrel spit from my eyes..
And this should end this tale of rodent evilness.. but ..
.Last time.. close your eyes and picture this if you can..
New Scene.. same street.. same suburban neighborhood.
You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street, and since it is such a nice day you roll your windows down.You begin doing the paperwork you pulled off and parked to do when..
Suddenly...
A large man on a huge Harley, dressed in jeans, the collar left on a tshirt and the rest is flapping in the breeze, wearing only one leather glove, riding a wheelie at almost 80mph, screaming hoarsely something that sounds like a foreign language.. comes roaring past your cop car, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel who had been possessed by the devil into your window.
I could hear someone screaming..
and I don't think it was me!
lockerridge
