JUNE 30, 2007 WAX ..... COLD ... HOT.... WHAT?

WAX IS NOT JUST FOR HONEY BEES AND BIRTHDAY CANDLES ANYMORE!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless hair removal even in those most hidden of places a lady never speaks of..

There was the double edged mans razor in the beginning... then the The Epilady electric pull them out by the roots razors.... scissors made a huge comeback !

Then memories faded and they came out with Lady Shick Razors, and then the miracle of Nair the liquid hair dissolver that worked for a whole year they said at first.. then women began to suspect they had been had when the hair grew back twice as fast and thicker than ever....

NOW FOR ALL OF YOU WOMEN OUT THERE WHO SAY, BODY HAIR IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED ENTRANCE OUT OF THEIR SKIN ...
TECHNOLOGY HAS PRODUCED FROM ITS LABORATORIES THE " COLD WAX KIT"!!!!

For do it your self at home Wax Removal just like the big salons ... at a fraction of the cost!

BELOW IS THE EXPERIENCE OF ONE SUCH WOMAN WHO WAS COMPLETELY ENTHRALLED WITH NEW PRODUCTS THAT CAME ON THE MARKET AND BOUGHT A KIT AND TOOK IT HOME.. BUT PUT IT IN THE MEDICINE CABINET FOR THE TIME BEING ... UNTIL SHE COULD REALLY RELAX AND DO IT RIGHT!

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, eat dinner, and play
with the dog.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind or the next few hours:

"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet, and give it a go?"

It was one of thosecold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them to your leg (or wherever else you have unwanted hair) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(NOTE TO SELF.. STOP FIGURING.. YOU ARE NOT EQUIPPED FOR SUCH HEAVY DUTY THOUGHT!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other .. stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in........ ( I am so lame)

I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("well it said cold wax, but it said to warm it up with my hands.. this is more better .. right?) I lay the strip across my thigh. Held the skin around it ......... tight and ......... pulled..... Success... It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling I have ever felt .. but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, Wonder Woman, and Xena all rolled into one mean, lean... fighter of all wayward
body
hair! I am the queen of this new wax stuff.. I can make money selling how to phamplets at the walmarts all over the world.. I will be a celebrity! And then.....

With my next wax strip I moved north.
for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I boldly
drop
my undies and place one foot on the toilet lid.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to
the inside of my ha-hoo cheek ( it was a long strip, okay... sheesh!)

The moment of truth is here.. I am goddess of babies butt smooth skin .. so I inhale deeply... brace myself ....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?? I COULD NOT HELP THE SCREAM WHICH ESCAPED MY THROAT, WITH A HOWL A BLOOD HOUND, WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIS FOOD BOWL FOR!

I'm Blind!!! Blinded
from the endless sharp pain!!!!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF WOMAN.. THINK! WHAT WOULD SHE-RA DO IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS? HA! SHE-RA IS PROBABLY 10 YEARS OLD AND NEVER SEEN A BLACK ARMPIT HAIR!

Vision returns slowly.... to my absolute chagrin, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!......... BE QUIET.. I COULD HAVE TYPED THE REAL WORDS I SAID !

BE BRAVE LITTLE GRASSHOPPER..

So I heaved another deep breath and......
RIPP! !!!!!!!!!!!

Everything is spinning and spotted. Look at the pretty birdies.. I think I might have had a near death experience.... What would She-ra do.... Too hell with She - ra.. She-ra is a wuss.. compared to my courage and brave hair removing battles...

After a while .. when my eyes had lost that burning sensation of needing to sneeze and my ears were not keeping a steady disco beat...

I wanted to see my trophy .... The wax covered strip, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

I wanted to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip... Hey now this just can't be right... There's
no
hair on it!

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down,...foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair, kind of stretched looking but still attached..

MY HEAD IS BEGINNING TO FEEL SLIGHTLY FEVERISH.. AND I AM THINKING OF VIOLENT WAYS TO MAKE FALSE ADVERTISERS OF SUCH INSTRUMENTS OF TORTURE, SEEM SO INNOCENT AND EASY.. PAY FOR THEIR LYING CONNIVING GREEDY NASTY BLACK SOULS!

I touch.

OMG! I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING DOWN THERE!

Then I heave a sign of relief when I realize I am touching wax, and sadly.. my hair is still attached to my body.. I think...

so I make BIG MISTAKE NO. 2...

I decided I needed to get the hand mirror and stand over it and see exactly what I was dealing with here.. could I actually do this myself or did I need to dial 911.... GOD PLEASE NOT 911!

Then I make the next BIG MISTAKE NO. 3

...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet lid....

I put my foot on to the floor.....

SNAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEALED SHUT! I HAVE SEALED MY HA-HOO SHUT! IT IS SEALED SHUT! HELP ME SHE-RA!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "OMG! What did I eat for dinner? OH PLEASE!... I simply can't deal with an

"urge to eliminate" right now!

Even She - ra caught some slack every once in a while.. don't think about it .. or it will happen..

slow deep breaths and since I have sealed my doom trying to get to the hand mirror.. I snatched it up, placed it on the floor stepped over it , and did the most stupid thing I have ever done in my entire life..

BIG MISTAKE NO. 5

I opened my eyes and looked.. ..................................... After the howling hysterics quit and I was just sobbing continuosly in a sound, akin to the chugging of the coffee maker when it ends its pumping cycle.. I think I even heard a harsh hissing at one point.... ..........

I began to think semi rationally for a second or two..

She-ra.. you need to leave now.. you have not been very helpful and if I have to look at your sickening hairless perfection any more.. I might commit cartoon erasure and what would He-Man do with the kids..

What can I do to melt the wax?

MAJOR MISTAKE NO. 4

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should
melt and I can gently wipe it off!!! I AM BRILLIANT!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment After several minutes of a fight with my brain telling my butt to sit down... ( it is smarter than my brain) my brain wins and ..... I sit ..... down....

Then I realize what has happened by my sitting still.....

I begin to laugh a little shrilly, nothing in this world can compare to having your hoo and ha glued shut......

except having them glued shut to the bottom of your bathtub...

WHO IN THE WORLD WOULD THINK "COLD" WAX CAN'T BE MELTED BY HEAT?

ALL IT DOES IS MAKE IT REALLY, REALLY , REALLY STICKY! LIKE GLUE!... ARGH!!

SHE-RA WOULD HAVE KNOWN ... WOULDN'T SHE?........ I THINK I AM REALLY BEGINNING TO HATE SHE-RA.... SMART ALEC SUPER WOMAN!

The was had gotten really sticky and glued my hoo and ha regions to the tub... with a cement like permanence.
.................. more racking sobs are heard ...... they must have been coming from me... who knew by this point.. I was no longer on this planet..

I had drifted into my happy place deep in my brain.. with snow cones and lovely cool razor blades.. and that wonderful lady shaving gel.. that fights razor rash.... AH HEAVEN!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few monthS ago
to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter - when I had finished the how and the why of it all.. .... .... I caught my breath and said ,"So, my hoo and my ha are both glued together to the bottom of the tub!" " Any wonderfully brillant ideas as to how I might end this horror movie and put it all in the past?''

There is a pause..........

In a somewhat strangled sounding voice she gives me the bad news.. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal, but, she is a true friend and she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo and ha, here?"

The she just can't hold it back any longer and her laughter rings so loud in my ear I almost throw the phone in the toliet..

Her only advice was to look on the side of the box, and call the help number on it.... which took all of 5 minutes to get out fully because she was almost crying with laughter...

I informed her that it would be another hot day with my butt stuck to a tub before I became headline news that phone call would have gotten me.. as well as there would be no 911 call for the same reason....... unless.. well I wasn't even going to allow myself to think about that... She-ra wouldn't think about it......

So we kept brainstorming........ through various and sundry solutions..... she even begged to come over and help...... and bring her video camera..... for lawsuit purposes she said...

all the while I am trying to scrape the wax off with a
razor .

By this time I am really getting worried that I can't feel anything from the hoo part of my anataomy..

and the ha part is getting kind of raw feeling from all the water and twisting and turning I am doing trying to free up my water works... and other vital things...

By now my brain is not working.......... dignity has taken a major hike...... and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to have to be hospitalized to have my hoo's and ha's remodeled...

and a major rework on my cognitive thought processes..

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

My friend suggests that at this point I should actually read the entire directions on the little pamplet they have included in the kit.... well no one ever reads those things.. they look at the pictures... She - ra probably looks at the pictures and doesn't read the pamplet.. and she is a super type woman person... who am I to think I can do it better?

I rub some on.................

OH MYGOD!!!!!!!

If the scream didn't wake up the neighbors, and they called in 911..... I might just get out of this with only my friend knowing what I had gotten myself into... and if she says anything I will just say she is a big fat fibber.... this could still have a happy ending...

CAUSE IT WAS WORKING!!! IMAGINE THAT .... SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY WORKED CAME FROM THAT BOX WITH THE PICTURE DIRECTIONS THAT ONLY A CHILD COULD UNDERSTAND!
It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend, who has the hiccups now, from laughing and then the major screaming in her ear... and she hangs
up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
despair...

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
I stand there looking at myself in the mirror above the sink.. ... I hardly recognize the woman standing there.. .... no longer carefree from lifes woes....

Then I think ...... whould She-ra let this defeat her mission to be hairfree.... NO!......... She-ra would kick some hair butt!!!

So I opened the cabinet ... got my Bic Lady Shaver and the can of ladies gel shaving cream for that soft smooth and rash free skin .......

and since I was numb in the hoo and ha region.... ... and knew that it was probably not going to be that way for about a week... I shaved and shaved and shaved... I stopped at my eyebrows.... didn't want to seem like I had an episode of insanity or anything... sigh...

Hummm ....all in all, the evening was a success. I had finished what I had started.... no 911 calls to be rescued...... no permanent scaring.. ( I don't think) and I was not bleeding from any where I could see... yep! I'm feeling pretty good about things... She - ra would have been proud!

I think next week I am going to try that new GO PLATNUM BLONDE AT HOME KIT...... I am smart enough to read those pictures...... probably......

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heheheheheehehee! don't cha just love it ... thanks KC.. I added to a little bit and took away a little bit.. to make it my own ...... thanks for letting me steal it from you..

lockerridge