THE DEER STAND PLAN .. A HOMER AND ME STORY.. DEER CAMP 2006

NOV.19, 2006 DEER CAMP 2006 HOMER'S DEER STAND PLAN

 

This photo above does not really depict the device in this story, built by my wonderful partner, but it does show his mentality when it comes to fabricating  something that just popped into his head. Something he is sure will be the biggest, bestest, most wonderfullest, thing since the red lense for hunting lights! hehe

This is the story of Homer's plans for his deer stand. His homemade deer stand. umm hummm. Yes, being the smart intelligent woman that I am, I do have this story to relate, but only second hand from Homer Jr.  I stayed at home as much as possible, seeing as we live in the age of (dang it) the cell phone, that was not nearly enough for me, but hey, what is a girl gona do? They call, they say please, we are totally melted, and we go. I blame estrogen replacement therapy, and Cosmopolitian magazine.

Anyway, when the thoughts of going to the deer woods loomed into Homer's mind about 2 months ago, he decides he needs a new deer stand. For those of you who do not know what one of those is, here is a brief description.

deer stand- a device usually made of metal and chain that a hunter with much muscle and less brain power huffs up into a tree to make a type of bench to sit on, and watch for unsuspecting deer to wander into their gun sites. Most usually they are hooked to the tree with a series of rings and clips. the rings are screwed into the tree and then clipped to hold the platform in place and to make a sturdy and safe place to sit. A saftey belt is usually a part of the make up of the platform to keep the hunter from falling. But, are usually discarded by the "real men" deerhunting types. This of course is the reason for so many deerhunters with broken arms, stiff backs, and bruised hineys. If this secret gets any futher than my readers, I am sure to be banned from all deer camps in the future. So I urge you to tell everyone you know and then take out an ad in the paper telling it like this ,  LOCKERRIDGE TELLS ALL, DEER STAND SECRETS ARE TOLD.  hehe

To purchase one of these hunting have to's, it is quite expensive, if you get the deluxe model with heated seat and rain roof, it can get ridiculously expensive. So Homer decides to build his own. He has a steel pile with a welder, cutting torch, and lots of welding rods of several different types and sizes. I am always impressed with his knowledge of putting two pieces of metal together and it sticks, I can't even get super glue to work on paper, my fingers, yeah, but paper, no. sigh. Anyway he sets about drawing up plans on my pc. (!!)  This caused quite a bit of controversy, with me being the winner. He has his own pc, given to him by me when I got tired of waiting to use the pc, and bought my Dell.  You notice the noun, my, that is just what it means, mine. He remembered I bite just in time! hehe

He managed to pull the plan together and spent much of the next 2 weekends building it. It was magnificient! all steel construction of wire mesh for the platform, chains for the support, rings welded and ground down smooth. No ragged edges, nothing to injure the bathed in sweat hunter. Except it weighs more than he does. This taken into consideration by Homer, he has devised a series of pullies and ropes to lift said wonderous invention to the height of the place on the oak , he has prechosen. um hummm..... someone has to get the ropes and pullies in place first.

So he and Homer Jr. start out the weekend before deer season opens to put said stand in place. He has a plan. Homer always has a plan. Or the plan has Homer, it is always a mystery till it is obvious. hehe

They get to the woods and haul this thing out about  three quarters of a mile up hill in the rain to this tree. This is a really cool tree, by the way,  an oak of some sort that has got to be so old Lincoln planted the seed. It is huge.

Now the good part... Homer Jr. is still trying to figure out why he is blessed with such a creative father and sweating profusely, when Homer gets out his spiked boots, yeah for deer hunters, they make spiked boots, sigh. Places his foot upon the tree and starts to climb like  guys who work for the electric company does on a utility pole. He gets half way up and hollers at Jr. to throw him the lines and pullies. Jr. complies, he catches them on the 5th try. Homer Jr. has a knot on his head, but they are successful.

He reaches the place he has chosen and wouldn't you know it, there are no limbs to hang the pullies from.   So he decides to huff the thing up there on his back, so down he goes to the ground. He has Jr. strap it to his back and up he goes again, after he falls back to the ground about 5 times. Jr. is watching this studiously, learning wise things.... hehe

Homer get up about 20 ft. and somehow or another his foot gets pulled loose from the tree. the chains on the deer stand wrap around him and the tree. Neatly.  He then loses contact with the other fool and flips upside down, hanging like a pully from a rope! hehe  He is turning red in the face, has no hope of getting out of this with out it leaving a mark, and can't speak, for the blood rushing to his head. His one brain cell is swelling and must be saved!

Jr. continues to watch and say hummm every once in while... to look like he knows what is happening. Homer finally finds his voice and says ,"Jr. help me!"

Jr. looks at him and says," Dad wasn't this a part of the plan?"

Homer, catches his breath, the one brain cell actually split into two cells and he started to laugh! Jr. starts to laugh. Picture it, if you can.   You have one idiot hanging upside down from a tree 20 ft in the air. Another smaller version of the larger idiot laughing on the ground, and I know the deer had to be hiding in the bushes laughing their little white tails off!  I mean this is so typical of the two of them. When  Homer has a plan, we must never deviate from the plan. The plan is his anchor to the ground it would seem, it must never be changed or moved. If we try to ad lib to the plan, the ground shakes with  the explosive , " What happened to the plan!" that erupts from the lower regions of Homers lungs.

So Jr. was just waiting for the plan to come together. I really never have got the straight story as to how they got him down. I probably don't want to know, and the Homer special deer stand has not been seen since. I figure the deer got it up in the tree and are using it to look out for the hunters who are drooling and chasing them mercilessly all over the woods right now. It is just one more thing to remember when you are living Life with Homer.

Never, ever deviate from the plan!

 

 

lockerridge