NOVEMBER 26, 2007 CLEANING THE CARPET..... OR IS IT SCRUBBING THE RUGS... HUMMM..

My friend Maxine and I seem to have a lot in common when it comes to living life. She has the most gifted way of saying what I want to say so much of the time!

I have in my household.. myself..a grown female human being.. and 2 fullgrown males. You may have noticed I did not give a species to the fullgrown males.. that is because how in the world can you describe a species which could basically wear the same clothing for a week... bath twice a week.. starve to death for food or drink, if they have to cook it ...or heaven forbid.. get up off the couch to fill their own plates.. it is disgusting.. I must say the one I raised is not that way with his particular hoglike behavior.. his is more the leave a trail behind him where ever he goes.. and he will cook.. but he does not know how to clean up the dishes.. or carry out the trash.. The one thing which really messes with my head the most is the how they treat the floors and what covers them.. I prefer to have my home carpeted except for the bathrooms and the kitchen and dining room. It is warmer in the winter.. it is easier to scrape the food which falls regularly to the floor unnoticed and stepped in .. and then tracked all over the house this way. The two males both work in construction.. this means basically they play in the dirt all day long.. red clay... sand... river bottom mud... and my all time favorite is when they do roadside emergency repairs on the rear end or axles, of the lovely HUGE equipment they drive and work with.. This is a test of the worlds best detergents and my patience.. because the smell of that particular grease or oil.. smells so bad it lingers .. even after Febreze.. and Liquid Tide has graced its mottled surface 4 or 5 times.. Lord help you if you dry something before you get it all out.. OMG! I will not venture there any further..

One chore which I despise ... is cleaning the carpets.. I don't mind sweeping and mopping the linolieum in the kitchen and bathrooms.. but come on.. when they come through the door they need to take those nasty ass boots off.. they can always put them back on if they gotta go out again.. but I suppose this is just so much work that it is not going to take place, unless I stand there with a baseball bat and play door guard like bumble bees post sentries at their nests... I got so tired of renting the Rug Doctor Steaming Mad at Dirt thing at the grocery store.. ( that thing is heavy!) and how gross I felt when I saw what would come out of my floor... just made me go bezerko one year and ask my Mom for a Carpet Cleaning machine of my very own.. I received a" Bissell Clean Machine SuckoLux" of the most excellent caliber! It is basically a huge shop vac with attachements for my kitchen facet to suck soap into the water as it runs into the sprayer handle and then the vaccum sucks it back out along with the dirt.. I WAS IN LOVE.. I COULD CLEAN MY CARPET EVERY DAY ... OR AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK.. OR MAYBE EVERY TWO WEEKS.. OR ONCE A MONTH.. OR MAYBE ON THE FEW ODD DAYS ,WHEN THE MALES IN MY HOUSE COULD BE PRESUADED TO LEAVE ME ALONE FOR AT LEAST 24 HOURS IN A ROW. *********** "NEWS FLASH" ************ Clean damp carpeting is a super attractant for red clay. Which is an evil substance, that will stain even the blackest of carpets, if it is walked on repeatedly when it is still damp. Because a male .... just "FORGOT" to take off their boots at the door. Once again Maxine .. you say it so well!

Last week an opportunity presented itself to me for a carpet cleaning bonanza. Homer and Homer Jr. went out of town to work for a whole three days! I recognized this as a rare opportunity to tackle the floors..

They were not even out of sight down the road when I went to the sacred shrine of where I keep my Bissell Baby to unwrap and hook that bad boy up!

Upon reaching the place I store it, I was appalled to find that the shrine had been vandalized! The cleaner was not all there! The hose and wand and the the vaccum head were missing! OMG!

I was on the phone in a flash... " What did you do with my carpet cleaning equipment.. you evil male person you!"

The answer..

"HUH?"

My reaction...

" Start remembering... start talking.. or get back here and find it, before I lose my calm and even temper!"

This got me...

" Oh you mean that crap in the closet.. with all the hoses and stuff?"

ARGH!!

"Yes that would be what I am speaking of."

"DEAR"

" I needed to get to my shotgun cleaning kit and I think I shoved it behind those boxes of Christmas decorations."

I peeked and it was there..

LUCKY MALE!

So I hung up the phone and proceeded to pull my beloved equipment from behind the boxes..

The trigger for the squirter on the handle was missing.. I pulled all the boxes out .. no trigger..

I took my pliers and took it apart.. what was left of it any way..

no way could I rig up a trigger for it.. essential springs and plungers were missing..

sigh...

So I checked to see if the vaccum part still worked.. to my surprise .. it did!

So I mixed up a sink full of soap solution... got the hose from the spray injector and weighted it down into the sink full and then put the other end in my mouth and did the manual suction thing to get it to start syphoning ... yes... I got a big mouthful of cleaner.. fabric softener mix... OMG! Homer is gona PAY!

Then I just walked around over the room soaking the carpet.. took my mop and scrubbed it a little bit.. and then used the vacuum to suck the soap and crud from the carpet...

What should have taken me three hours to complete.. was now running on a day and a half..

I have contacted every store in a 50 mile radius looking for replacement parts.. my wonderful lovely carpet cleaner straight from heaven is now .. OLD... and they don't make replacement parts for it anymore.. not even from Bissel themselves could I coax just one more trigger assembly from them..

So for Christmas I want a used trigger assemby to fit a Bissel SuperSuckolux... from Homer..

He is scouring family dump sites.. and thrift shops and second hand stores from my house to the out of town work site he is traveling to. His boss is even in on the hunt.. because you see

If a woman is in love with a cleaning tool....

the males in the household with her..

soon realize..

if the woman ain't happy...

the males state of mind.. soon will follow ...

Happy Hunting Homer...

Your very happiness for the rest of your life depends on it!

Remember that is a Bissell Super Deluxe Suckolux....

of the most excellent caliber!

I sound sooooooooo evil huh?

That's cause I am!

hehehehehehehehehe!

lockerridge