WHAT TODAY SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOR ME IS MY 28TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.. MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO I FOLLOWED HERE FROM THE 360 ALREADY KNOW MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY IN 1999.
MOST OF THEM KNOW I HAVE THESE IRRITATING BOUTS OF "DARK DEMON DAYS" MOST USUALLY AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.
THOSE DAYS THAT DON'T FEEL RIGHT TO ME. THEY ARE ALL WRONG. THEY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME OR FEEL RIGHT. I KNOW THAT I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET PAST IT AFTER ALL THIS TIME.. OR AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I TELL MY SELF ALL THE TIME..
BUT IT JUST COMES ANYWAY.. HOW DO YOU RID YOURSELF OF IT?
THAT IS THE 64,000 DOLLAR QUESTION FOR SURE.. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU RID YOURSELF OF THEM..
IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANYTHING ANYONE CAN TALK ME OUT OF EITHER.. SO IF YOU ARE READING AND TRYING TO FORM AN ANSWER FOR ME.. I APPRECIATE IT.. BUT ACTUALLY THIS BLOG TODAY IS SIMPLY AN OUTLET FOR THE STEAM THAT SEEMS TO BE BUILDING UP.
SO JUST LET ME RAMBLE AND THANKS FOR READING. IT .. ALTHOUGH NOT ENTERTAINING OR INFORMATIVE.. IT IS WHAT IT IS ..
IT IS ME.. AND SOMETIMES ME IS A SAD SACK OF POO! A HYPOCRITE OF THE WORST KIND!
I GOT TO STOP NOW AND JUST GO DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME SMILE.. LIKE LOOK AT THE PICS I TOOK OF MY SON YESTERDAY WHEN HE WAS DOWN FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.. HE IS A LOVE THAT BOY IS.. HECK HE IS NOT A BOY ANY MORE HE IS 24 YEARS OLD!
I LOVE HIM.. VERY VERY MUCH.. AND I WISH SO BADLY AT TIMES THAT HIS GROWING UP HAD BEEN DIFFERENT.. BUT I CAN'T TURN BACK THE CLOCK AND I CAN'T TAKE AWAY HURTS THAT LINGER..
I WISH I COULD TURN IT BACK FOR BOTH OF US.. AND HAVE OVERS.. BUT LIFE ISN'T MADE LIKE THAT .. AND SOMETIMES.. IT JUST OVERWHELMS ME.. THAT FACT...
THAT FACT THAT I CAN'T FIX THE PAST WRONGS ..
IS SIMPLY THAT FACT.
I FACE IT EVERY DAY.. AND I FIGHT THE FACT THAT I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO THE WEAKNESS THAT WOULD KEEP ME FROM FUNCTIONING. ... I WILL NOT EVER BE THAT WEAK AGAIN.. ONCE IS ENOUGH!
LOVE TO THOSE WHO READ AND DON'T RUN SCREAMING FROM THE PAGE.
LOCKIE.. OVER AND OUT!
lockerridge
Hang in there my friend. Love and Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteBIG HUGS! You need to hear your words bounce off someone.. you know what to do.. Tell me when and where.. I'll bring MUD SLIDES!! Never had them.. but hey, anything made with chocolate can't be all that bad!
ReplyDeleteAww, I know sometimes all we need is to hear ourselves out loud telling our troubles to someone else.. we just need someone to know..
Okay, I can not help.. I am not trying to talk you out of this.. You have to work through it.. just, Know that your being hugged..
And your Jamie.. he is finding himself.. and love's his momma.. Your time has not been wasted.. YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE INSIGHT TO KNOW WHICH ROAD TO NOW TRAVEL.. AIR UP THEM TIRES AND GET ROLL'N. YOU CAN DO THIS!
No I am not talking you out of it.. You have to travel each path set before you.. sometimes winding.. sometimes rocky..
YOU CAN DO THIS!! Everything we live through does make us stronger - makes us WHO WE ARE TODAY!! And I love who you are!
Enough said..
I love you very much ... you are very real to me and I don't know how I would have made it without you guys.. your my support and my fall back when I feel life slipping up on me.. mom will be gone 2 years on the 14th... and right now .. it is just a little bit more than I can handle.. understand please.. know I will be okay.. I just am funked out right now.. it will lessen .. it always does.. when I dunno.. just know you help me more than anyone else ever has .. thankyou my loving good buddies.. if nothing ever becomes of the old 360... I will follow you guys where ever we go from here on out..
ReplyDeletehey lockie, i guess misery loves company. i read your blog and it made me feel better to know i'm not the only one who's having a hard time. i've been beating myself up the last few days ... thinking there was something wrong with me cause it's been over 2 yrs. now and i think i'm doing just fine and then i get blindsided and there seems to be nothing i can do but ride it out ... mostly i tell everyone to let me be, i'll get past it. i know they mean well, i know they worry, i also know they can't fix it. maybe it will get easier some day, lord i hope so ... but i've got regrets and coming to terms with them has been hard. i didn't know about your husband, so after i read this i went back to the beginning and read for a while, some of it was painful, some of it made me laugh till my sides hurt ... oh that story of Homer & Dusty & the hat was funny ... but guess that's what life is ... some times it hurts so bad & other times it hurts so good, but it's always good to know we're not alone.
ReplyDelete((((HUGZ))))
ReplyDeleteLOCKIE !!!
ReplyDeleteRID YOURSELF OF MEMORIES !?!?!?
ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN ???
Those feelings are what is in your heart and are the best form of memory.
So you have a day or two or three where you reflect back upon your life and what was.
We all do that, we all remember things that make us happy, and sometimes laugh, and things that make us sad, and sometimes cry.
But to forget those precious memories or not be effected by them would be wrong.
It would mean that they were no longer important to you.
What makes you sad about your husband was that he was so good.
You miss all the good he brought with him, and all the good he gave to you.
That is why you miss him, and that is why you are sad.
You need to appreciate the sad memories, without them the true memory of him would be lost.
I didn't know about your husband and I'm sorry for it all......there is nothing I know to say about things like that because actually I know that sometimes words just make feelings feel cheap and surreal, they just dont cover it at all, they take away from it.......I will have you in my prayers because no one understands the way God does what you need.....
ReplyDeleteWell, well, SCREAMING as I run from this horrible mess. Muwahahaha. No advice from this old man.
ReplyDeleteYou said it yourself.You don't want any. You also said you were going to SMILE.
I bet you can't even grin. !!! HaHa!!! Probably too old. snickering.
I am going to go see Dani, bet she will be some fun. Muwahahaha!!
No one can say or do anything to make you feel better hon. So you go ahead and ramble, rant and scream if you want too! You will never get over these feelings so embrace them and love them.... and remember them!
ReplyDeleteI lost my mother in 2005 and I still talk with her. Especially when I'm cooking collard greens! and I smile! Because we had fun cooking! I also remember the bad times - hollaring at each other because of difference of opinions; the emergency runs to the hospital....the feelings of not living MY life because of her. But ya know what?? All in all, it was good! I miss her very much and yes, I cry before, on and after the anniversary of her death!
So you go right ahead and feel this way! There is nothing wrong with it!
Love & huggs......
Sweetie nothing is wrong with feeling a little blue once in a while, lord knows ya have that right. Know that we here love ya and think the world of ya and are here for you
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing, thoughtful and caring woman and I am so glad that we have connected.
Why dare I say it you are………….
I just can't stop......... ya do that to me.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with wigglebottom (okay I really just wanted to type his name out lol) ~giggles~
ReplyDeleteOkay .. okay ... sorry sorry ... I couldn't resist that one either ...
Let me make it up to you
Luv ya and will always come when you slap me silly (^.~)
Hey... lets sulk together over a cup... no wait a mug... let's make that a barrel of coffee and ice cream (^.^)
*big hug* I just wanna let you know you are sweet, caring, and kind - I also want you to know that however you raised your son -mistakes and all, I bet he is a wonderful man, who is gonna be a wonderful husband and father. Just remember all the good things you did - which I bet are wayyyy more than the little mistakes!
ReplyDeleteThe biggest of hugs, and lots of love to you. I know, everyone says they could fix it for you, and make you feel better. It is hard! I am still mourning my Father's death over 24 years ago. I don't htink a death, especially of a loved one~so immidiate in the family completely goes away.
ReplyDeleteI feel for ya lockie. Let those feelings and e,otions out.
Please take care, and DO smile,and laugh. He would want you to.
HUGGERS, lee