JANUARY 5, 2009 GETTIN' OLD...

JANUARY 5, 2009

GETTIN' OLD...

When, after a long illness a man passed away, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

 No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover, rather than the big shit he always was."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the older lady overboard.

 They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the gentleman back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

 Three weeks went by and finally the older man got a fax from the boat.
 It read:

 "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan!!

 They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

 As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,

 " Stay Away From That Wall!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes..

The lady became very nervous and fretted, worrying her question had offended her friend... .

Then finally her friend said,
"How soon do you need to know?"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and, then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well my goodness, why in the world are you crying?"

Without seeming to notice I was there she blubbered,
"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine, and my favorite dessert, and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, " Now you must really tell me, why in the world would you be crying?"

She sobbed loudly, "I can't remember where I live!"

lockerridge