July15,2006------Passion always comes with a high price to pay..............

           Hello my friends,

This is a day I would rather not have in my life. I am sure that it is a day no one wishes for themselves ever. I was asked to help someone I love to gain release from pain, permanently. I could not do it. I am torn up inside and can't patch myself back together it seems.  What does a person do when they are asked to help someone pass on? When they love the person and have watched them everyday struggle to live, and it gets no better, only worse. The pain they are feeling is so intense they pass out at times. There is no cure, there is no hope for anything in the future except pain and loss of personal pride. The help they ask for is readily available to you to give to them, in the form of legally prescribed powerful pain medication. I am a coward I fear. I could not live with that on my list of "did I do the right thing?" questions for God when I see Him. I fear it would be wrong, but is what she is suffering right? It must be for He has not called her to Him yet. Tests such as these are cruel to ones mind and heart, and the scars last forever.

I have noticed in the last 10 years of my life, that God will give you what you hate most to deal with before you die. Whatever you are in your lifetime, He will take it from you, to spend your last days as naked as you came into the world. If you are independent and self-centered, you will be given the humbling to become totally dependent on others and you must think about others to be in this condition. You think of all of the people in the past you could have helped, should have helped, but didn't. You will be faced with having all the decisions of how you will live your life and spend your money given to someone else. You will be completely dependent on others. You will have to accept what you hate the most as being what you are now.

If you are dependent and timid, you will have what you are leaning upon and hiding behind taken away and you will have to stand on your own in front of a crowd. You will be forced to be the total opposite of what you have been all of your life. This is God's way of showing you who He is and what He can do. In short He shows you He is in control, He is God, not you.

I have had my faith tested and stretched out so far it has cracked and torn, but I always have managed to tape up the cracks and glue it back together when it gets torn. I know who God is and I sure will never forget it. I just wish I could stop being taught so many lessons. I am too dumb to breathe, I think sometimes. Too many I's in this blog. Need to get to some of the How are you, part of it me thinks. (no I)

But since I have had no time to be here in a while, there is nothing much to report except, my aunt is a lot worse, as you may have guessed. She is on Percosett's now and they are making the pain easier, but not gone. I can only guess at what it would be like if her circulation were to suddenly return and all of the wounds she has were to regain all nerve feelings. It would be so bad she could not even scream. As it is she turned white and passed out the other day when she stood up to be helped into her chair, from her bed. 1 step away. I caught her, but I will never forget it, ever.

This sclerderma disease is the most cruel illness I have ever witnessed before. Cancer is mild compared to it. I have watched her turn into a hard plastic like person. Her skin has many lesions where the collagen has collected into a open place beneath the skin and the skin tightened on it and it just splits open like, well, a watermelon.   If she happens to tap herself just a little bit she does not bruise as  you and I know it. She just get a red place and that turns into a hard knot that opens and looks a lot like an eyeball, in its socket. And it does not get well. Nothing does. It just gets bigger and more sore. I would to God, He had never let this happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She has probably in one weeks time eaten enough to fill one dinner plate with food. She takes 23 pills a day, and that does not include the salves and cremes to be rubbed onto the skin and her wounds. I am the caretaker during the day and she is not  a good patient. She has gotten meaner than a snake the last few days and has taken to chewing me out for any and everything that is wrong. I have had no time for myself at all in a long time, and I am sorry to say, I am resentful of it. She is more demanding and I am worn out. Her son is worn out. We are all about to lose our minds, but she is still with us and I will continue to keep her out of nursing facility as lon as possible. We have a program here for home health workers to come out periodically as well as hospice, which starts next week. Maybe I will get some relief then. And so will she.

Gotta go and do something else or I will never sleep tonight, take care of yourselves my friends, have the time of your life every single day, and if you are wanting to do something, and keep putting it off till a better time of money or free time. Stop and go do it now. Tomorrow may not allow you this curtesty, of manipulating your life.

lockerridge.

   

delete reply thellordthighgod wrote on Nov 23, '07 You know, Lockie .. I've never noticed the "me me me" of "you" ... perhaps it's in there somewhere .. very well hidden .. you do deserve some "me" time. BIG HUGS (((((LOCKIE)))))

delete reply newgizmodani wrote on Oct 30, '07 I don't think a person should be asked to help anyone pass on.. not even our pets.. it is too heart wrenching, too painful. Does stay with us everyday. The thing about changing - I hope not.. I should be a royal pain in the a*s.. WAIT.. I ALREADY AM!! Oh sweetie, I have read your blogs before and I am wishing now that your pain and heartache are less now with the passing of time. GREAT BIG HUGs. . . Reading Coyotes reply, why you do bring out the sweet in him..

delete reply wileecoyote wrote on Oct 25, '07 Come'er girl and let me give ya da biggest hug!